Snarky 150: Overall Rankings with Obnoxious Commentary

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Updated on August 23, 2013 3:47AM EST

This is an overall list for standard 12-team leagues as of August 23, 2013. Rankings are real, but comments, while meant to offend in some cases, are not to be taken seriously.

Warning: many if not most are stupid.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Adrian Peterson	RB	MIN	Had bionic ACL illegally installed
2	Doug Martin	RB	TB	Should beat out Peyton Hillis
3	Jamaal Charles	RB	KC	Carted off practice field for incredibly minor injury
4	C.J. Spiller	RB	BUF	Can't be trusted with a secret
5	Trent Richardson	RB	CLE	No one else makes 3.6 YPC look so good
6	Calvin Johnson	WR	DET	Specializes in catches at the one-yard line
7	Arian Foster	RB	HOU	Should be just fine after 405 carries (including playoffs) last year
8	Ray Rice	RB	BAL	Tall, slim version of MJD
9	LeSean McCoy	RB	PHI	Despises Hatfields
10	Dez Bryant	WR	DAL	Didn't deck his mom this year
11	Maurice Jones-Drew	RB	JAC	Not tall enough to punch bouncer in the face
12	Alfred Morris	RB	WAS	Set football back 30 years
13	Marshawn Lynch	RB	SEA	Trouble-free offseason could upset routine
14	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Odd to see top talent on the Bengals
15	Demaryius Thomas	WR	DEN	Imagine how good he'd be if Peyton could turn his head
16	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Only Falcons skill player under 40
17	Chris Johnson	RB	HOU	Uniquely capable of horrible games
18	Matt Forte	RB	CHI	Scoring is not his Forte
19	Brandon Marshall	WR	CHI	Anyone can produce on 195 targets
20	Jimmy Graham	TE	NO	Not a cracker
21	Steven Jackson	RB	ATL	Freed from St. Louis but probably too late
22	Stevan Ridley	RB	NE	One of the many creative permutations of "Steven"
23	DeMarco Murray	RB	DAL	Taking the McFadden career path
24	Larry Fitzgerald	WR	ARZ	And Gerald fits Larry
25	Roddy White	WR	ATL	Only player as boring as Matt Ryan
26	Andre Johnson	WR	HOU	Would it kill him to score 10 TDs one year?
27	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	Dumb enough to trust Ryan Braun
28	Darren McFadden	RB	OAK	O/U on career 16-game seasons is zero
29	David Wilson	RB	NYG	Sucks that blocking is part of the job
30	Dwayne Bowe	WR	KC	Likely not sorry to see Cassel/Crennel era end
31	Cam Newton	QB	CAR	Should have bodyslammed kid in commercial
32	Drew Brees	QB	NO	His Pepsi commercials are low-point for Western civilization
33	Frank Gore	RB	SF	Name describes slasher flick that gets to the point
34	Reggie Bush	RB	DET	Poor man's Darren Sproles
35	Torrey Smith	WR	BAL	Should see 250 targets given Joe Flacco's other options
36	Hakeem Nicks	WR	NYG	Aptly named, given his propensity for nagging injuries
37	Vincent Jackson	WR	TB	Had foresight to abandon sinking ship in SD
38	Randall Cobb	WR	GB	Would get his ass kicked by Randall "Tex" Cobb
39	Rob Gronkowski	TE	NE	Back surgery limits "repertoire"; could cost him off-field reps
40	Victor Cruz	WR	NYG	Stop dancing and catch the ball this year
41	Jordy Nelson	WR	GB	Deceptive speed
42	Ryan Mathews	RB	SD	So injury-prone, committee news in SD doesn't drop his stock
43	Eddie Lacy	RB	GB	Candidate to replace Brian Bulaga at LT
44	Lamar Miller	RB	MIA	Beating out D.Thomas is NFL's lowest bar to clear
45	Ahmad Bradshaw	RB	NYG	70 percent of his feet now comprised of screws and plates
46	Danny Amendola	WR	NE	Fills "small white guy" slot so crucial to NE's offense
47	Montee Ball	RB	DEN	Formerly hosted "Let's Make a Deal"
48	Marques Colston	WR	NO	Horrible numbers for No. 1 WR in most prolific offense of all time
49	Peyton Manning	QB	DEN	Maybe we should all get spinal fusion
50	Mike Wallace	WR	MIA	Corpse of former 60 minutes anchor surprisingly fast
51	Rashard Mendenhall	RB	ARZ	Playing out the string in AZ like E. James and E. Smith, only w/o career achievements
52	Daryl Richardson	RB	STL	If he's a bust, you can chant "Daryl" at your draft next year
53	Shane Vereen	RB	NE	Disposed of the body
54	Cecil Shorts	WR	JAC	Name describes what he'd do if forced to invest in his quarterbacks
55	Andrew Luck	QB	IND	Aptly named given team's negative point differential and playoff appearance
56	Vernon Davis	TE	SF	Saved for special occasions
57	Tom Brady	QB	NE	Ordered the hit
58	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Vanilla Ice has won a playoff game
59	Mike Williams	QB	TB	Happy he's neither Michael Clayton nor the other Mike Williams
60	Giovani Bernard	RB	CIN	Never trust a man with two first names, especially if one is Italian, and he's not
61	Eric Decker	QB	DEN	Deceptive speed
62	Andre Brown	RB	NYG	Can do everything except stay healthy
63	Matthew Stafford	QB	DET	Needs 700 attempts to be useful.
64	Colin Kaepernick	QB	SF	Only player with more tattoos than Aaron Hernandez
65	Pierre Garcon	WR	WAS	Players with French names can't stay healthy (see Thomas, Pierre)
66	DeSean Jackson	WR	PHI	Only NFL player who weighs less than 100 pounds
67	Josh Gordon	WR	CLE	Enjoying the NFL's substance abuse program
68	Steve Johnson	WR	BUF	Excited to be playing with Kevin Kolb this year
69	Tony Romo	QB	DAL	Can be counted on for a disastrous, season-ruining error at some point
70	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Best rookie QB season for a dwarf in NFL history
71	Antonio Brown	WR	PIT	Smaller, slower version of Mike Wallace
72	Robert Griffin	QB	WAS	Pretty clear his coach is not thinking long-term about his health
73	Mark Ingram	RB	NO	Much better in leagues that don't count yards
74	DeAngelo Williams	RB	CAR	The NFL's Ferrari; costs a fortune, used only occasionally
75	Steve Smith	WR	CAR	So enraged he defies the aging process
76	Wes Welker	WR	DEN	Deceptive speed
77	Kenny Britt	WR	TEN	Any day he's not injured or in jail is a win
78	Tony Gonzalez	TE	ATL	Fought in the War of 1812
79	Jason Witten	TE	DAL	Deceptive speed, allergic to red-zone paint
80	BenJarvus Green-Ellis	RB	CIN	Good at everything except efficient forward progress
81	James Jones	WR	GB	Lucky scrub who Rodgers looks for in the red zone
82	Anquan Boldin	WR	SF	Was slow 10 years ago
83	Reggie Wayne	WR	IND	The average man would have done better with that many targets
84	Tavon Austin	WR	STL	Has future as a jockey if NFL career doesn't pan out
85	Ben Tate	RB	HOU	Can be counted on to get hurt if he ever gets the job
86	Darren Sproles	RB	NO	See Austin, Tavon
87	Chris Ivory	RB	NO	Jets need to sign a white guy named Chris Ebony
88	Eli Manning	QB	NYG	Tom Brady's owner
89	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	Aghast at what Paris has done to the family name
90	Rueben Randle	WR	NYG	Flattered to learn sandwiches named after him
91	Lance Moore	WR	NO	Sometimes less is Moore
92	Denarius Moore	WR	OAK	Sometimes Moore is less
93	Bernard Pierce	RB	BAL	No idea what to say about this guy
94	Bryce Brown	RB	PHI	The real McCoy, except he can't hold onto the ball
95	Stepfan Taylor	RB	ARZ	Yet another interesting permuation of Stephen
96	Greg Jennings	WR	MIN	Worst QB downgrade in NFL history
97	Chris Givens	WR	STL	Givens taketh away targets from Brian Quick
98	Miles Austin	WR	DAL	Hamstrings have meters, not miles left in them
99	Greg Olsen	TE	CAR	Amazing transition from MLB closer to NFL tight end
100	Kenbrell Thompkins	WR	NE	Who the hell is that?
101	Sidney Rice	WR	SEA	Flew 14 hours to Switzerland from Seattle for knee treatment, but of course, it's nothing serious
102	Michael Floyd	WR	ARZ	Team's neglect of No. 13 overall pick in rookie year was positively C.J. Spiller-esque
103	Jared Cook	TE	STL	Perennial sleeper who never wakes up
104	Emmanuel Sanders	WR	PIT	Only slightly bigger than Emmanuel Lewis
105	Vincent Brown	WR	SD	One of many fragile Chargers receivers
106	Alshon Jeffery	WR	CHI	Wishes Brandon Marshall would stop hogging the targets
107	Mikel Leshoure	RB	DET	Too high to be full time back
108	Justin Blackmon	WR	JAC	Could he be more of a degenerate?
109	Golden Tate	WR	SEA	Could lose his job to Platinum Tate
110	Darrius Heyward-Bey	WR	IND	Resurrected season after Steelers game
111	Ryan Broyles	WR	DET	If he had a third ACL, he would tear that one too
112	Knile Davis	RB	KC	Hasn't played since junior high
113	Antonio Gates	TE	SD	Ready for assisted living
114	Christine Michael	RB	SEA	Parents obviously wanted to toughen him up
115	Daniel Thomas	RB	MIA	2013 could be first year he cracks 3.7 YPC
116	Nick Toon	WR	NO	The Luke Walton of the NFL
117	Rod Streater	WR	OAK	Also his porn star name
118	Jermichael Finley	TE	GB	If only he could stay healthy and catch
119	Kyle Rudolph	TE	MIN	Deceptive speed
120	Coby Fleener	TE	IND	Deceptive speed
121	Jacquizz Rodgers	RB	ATL	Most valuable name in NFL scrabble
122	Brandon LaFell	WR	CAR	Scared of Steve Smith
123	Mohamed Sanu	WR	CIN	When he takes roids, he becomes Insanu
124	Michael Bush	RB	OAK	Reggie's uncle
125	Pierre Thomas	RB	NO	Backs with French names never hold up
126	Knowshon Moreno	RB	DEN	Plodding, injury-prone back but he can block!
127	Le'Veon Bell	RB	PIT	Is reading the diary of Liz Frank
128	DuJuan Harris	RB	GB	Pack llked him so much they drafted two running backs this year
129	Fred Jackson	RB	BUF	Turns 45 in October
130	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	HOU	Could be good if DeAndre Johnson gets hurt
131	Vick Ballard	RB	iND	So mediocre team signed a player with prosthetic feet
132	Ronnie Hillman	RB	DEN	So disrespected no one takes seriously his placement atop DEN depth chart
133	Riley Cooper	WR	PHI	Caught on video attending a Kenny Chesney concert
134	Brian Hartline	WR	MIA	Hartline doesn't seem to care for the goal line
135	Michael Vick	QB	PHI	Still top dog in Philly
136	Bilal Powell	RB	NYJ	Encouraged Mike Goodson to drive with drugs and weapons
137	Isaiah Pead	RB	STL	NFL's answer to Mike Leake
138	Rashad Jennings	RB	OAK	Only on this list because Darren McFadden's O/U for games is 8.
139	Shonn Greene	RB	TEN	This year's LenDale White
140	Zac Stacy	RB	STL	Never trust a man with two first names, especially when one of them is a girl's name
141	Brandon Myers	TE	NYG	Deceptive speed
142	Santonio Holmes	WR	NYJ	Year to year with a foot injury
143	Alex Smith	QB	KC	Former No. 1 overall pick is still a sleeper in his 8th year
144	Greg Little	WR	CLE	Neither Little, nor good
145	LaMichael James	RB	SF	Poor man's LeBron James
146	Aaron Dobson	WR	NE	Looks bad at camp, but at least he's not in jail
147	Roy Helu	RB	WAS	Last year he was Roy Goodbye
148	Zach Miller	TE	SEA	Deceptive speed
149	Stephen Hill	WR	NYJ	Randy Moss without the football skills
150	Zach Sudfeld	TE	NE	Only Patriot with an alibi