Warning: many, if not most, are stupid.
| Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | LeSean McCoy | RB | PHI | If he gets hurt, those who don't own will have Shadyfreude |
| 2 | Jamaal Charles | RB | KC | Risk he slows down after discovering Andy Reid won't eat him |
| 3 | Calvin Johnson | WR | DET | Risk of suspension for not being human |
| 4 | Demaryius Thomas | WR | DEN | Found God after Broncos brought in Peyton to replace Tebow |
| 5 | Dez Bryant | WR | DAL | Getting along better with his mom |
| 6 | Matt Forte | RB | CHI | Scoring TDs has never been his forte |
| 7 | Eddie Lacy | RB | GB | Half the man he was in last year's preseason photo |
| 8 | Julio Jones | WR | ATL | Foot is a ticking time bomb |
| 9 | Jimmy Graham | TE | NO | Changed his Twitter description to "quarterback" |
| 10 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Oscar-worthy performance supporting Dalton's extension |
| 11 | Adrian Peterson | RB | MIN | Hoping Calvin Johnson gets busted and not him |
| 12 | Brandon Marshall | WR | CHI | Getting along better with his wife |
| 13 | Jordy Nelson | WR | GB | Deceptive speed |
| 14 | DeMarco Murray | RB | DAL | Better chance of winning Wimbledon than playing 16 games |
| 15 | Giovani Bernard | RB | CIN | NFL's Giancarlo Stanton |
| 16 | Alshon Jeffery | WR | CHI | Wishes Bears kept Josh McCown instead |
| 17 | Le'Veon Bell | RB | PIT | Slow |
| 18 | Keenan Allen | WR | SD | Poor man's Keenan McCardell |
| 19 | Victor Cruz | WR | NYG | Like getting aboard the Titanic last year |
| 20 | Zac Stacy | RB | STL | Never trust a man with two first names, especially when one is a girl's name |
| 21 | Andre Ellington | RB | ARZ | Descendant of Duke Ellington |
| 22 | Michael Floyd | WR | ARZ | Wishes Larry Fitzgerald would retire already |
| 23 | Rob Gronkowski | TE | NE | Poor man's Aaron Hernandez |
| 24 | Julius Thomas | TE | DEN | Not even the best Thomas on Denver's starting offense |
| 25 | Montee Ball | RB | DEN | If they removed your appendix on Let's Make a Deal, he would be the host |
| 26 | Peyton Manning | QB | DEN | Can't win the big one unless it's against Rex Grossman |
| 27 | Antonio Brown | WR | PIT | Poor man's Santonio Holmes |
| 28 | Randall Cobb | WR | GB | Would lose in a fight to Randall "Tex" Cobb |
| 29 | Doug Martin | RB | TB | Lucky foot injury obscured disastrous season he was having |
| 30 | C.J. Spiller | RB | BUF | Insulted he has to split carries with 33-year old |
| 31 | Andre Johnson | WR | HOU | Regrets reporting to camp after seeing his QB |
| 32 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | Really really likes women |
| 33 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | Cried every day at sleepaway camp as a kid |
| 34 | Vincent Jackson | WR | TB | Upset he has to compete for targets with his clone |
| 35 | Marshawn Lynch | RB | SEA | Forgot to turn off beast mode in the suburbs last weekend |
| 36 | Arian Foster | RB | HOU | Could retire after Week 6 |
| 37 | Roddy White | WR | ATL | Drawing a blank. Too boring to snark on. |
| 38 | Pierre Garcon | WR | WAS | Waiter, bring me some garbage PPR points |
| 39 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARZ | And Gerald Fits Larry |
| 40 | Percy Harvin | WR | SEA | Questionable for the late game is his upside |
| 41 | Jeremy Maclin | WR | PHI | Hoping ACL holds up through camp this year |
| 42 | Joique Bell | RB | DET | 911 is a Joique in this town |
| 43 | Bishop Sankey | RB | TEN | Tremendous diagonal runner |
| 44 | Toby Gerhart | RB | JAC | Deceptive speed |
| 45 | Josh Gordon | WR | CLE | Nothing says IDGAF like getting a DUI while appealing third drug suspension |
| 46 | Shane Vereen | RB | NE | More likely to win a Nobel Prize than play 16 games |
| 47 | Cordarrelle Patterson | WR | MIN | Who cares if he can't run a route to save his life? He passes the eye test! |
| 48 | Alfred Morris | RB | WAS | See White, Roddy |
| 49 | Chris Johnson | RB | NYJ | Lost a whole stoop |
| 50 | Michael Crabtree | WR | SF | Better than Darrius Heyward-Bey at least |
| 51 | Pierre Thomas | RB | NO | Never trust a man with two first names especially when one is French |
| 52 | Rashad Jennings | RB | NYG | Nothing says desperation like anointing a 29-YO career backup as your starter |
| 53 | Ben Tate | RB | CLE | Couldn't stay healthy as a backup, so why not give him a full-time job? |
| 54 | Reggie Bush | RB | DET | Made more money at USC than in the NFL |
| 55 | Ray Rice | RB | BAL | Offseason was a drag |
| 56 | DeSean Jackson | WR | WAS | If he were really a gangster, would Riley Cooper still be alive? |
| 57 | Torrey Smith | WR | BAL | Fears Steve Smith |
| 58 | Marques Colston | WR | NO | Fills important "old slow guy" role for Saints |
| 59 | Wes Welker | WR | DEN | Poor man's Wes Welker |
| 60 | Trent Richardson | RB | IND | Finds creative ways to get tackled near line of scrimmage |
| 61 | Mike Wallace | WR | MIA | Barely more productive than deceased former 60-minutes correspondent |
| 62 | Ryan Mathews | RB | SD | Stayed healthy in 2013, must give soul back to Satan in September |
| 63 | Kendall Wright | WR | TEN | Great at catching eight-yard passes |
| 64 | Eric Decker | WR | NYJ | Not yet recovered from shock of QB downgrade |
| 65 | Rueben Randle | WR | NYG | Miffed Eli still blames him for that pick-six |
| 66 | Jordan Cameron | TE | CLE | Worried he'll get tackled by Cameron Jordan and cease to exist |
| 67 | Terrance Williams | WR | DAL | Only runs one route |
| 68 | Lamar Miller | RB | MIA | Happy the Dolphins brought in Moreno rather than someone good |
| 69 | Maurice Jones-Drew | RB | OAK | Not delusional enough to draft himself this year |
| 70 | Nick Foles | QB | PHI | Without Chip Kelly, would be Chad Henne |
| 71 | Andrew Luck | QB | IND | Loves handing the ball to Trent Richardson |
| 72 | T.Y. Hilton | WR | IND | Cousin Paris is a family embarrassment |
| 73 | Mike Evans | WR | TB | Disappointed Josh McCown doesn't party like Manziel |
| 74 | Robert Griffin | QB | WAS | Hopes Mike Shanahan rots in hell |
| 75 | Greg Olsen | TE | CAR | Expects to get 200 targets |
| 76 | Jason Witten | TE | DAL | PPR leagues are the only thing keeping him alive right now |
| 77 | Riley Cooper | WR | PHI | Vastly preferred Foles to Vick for some inexplicable reason |
| 78 | Dwayne Bowe | WR | KC | One of the more irrevelant top targets in NFL history |
| 79 | Sammy Watkins | WR | BUF | Can't possibly be happy about his landing spot for any reason |
| 80 | Terrance West | RB | CLE | Not a north-south runner |
| 81 | Golden Tate | WR | DET | Could lose his job to Platinum Tate |
| 82 | Brandin Cooks | WR | NO | Great name for a chef |
| 83 | Kenny Stills | WR | NO | Great name for a photographer |
| 84 | Darren Sproles | RB | PHI | Too short to ride the rollercoaster |
| 85 | Cecil Shorts | WR | JAC | Active in the stock market |
| 86 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Offense lacked execution without Aaron Hernandez |
| 87 | Vernon Davis | TE | SF | Why throw to the 260-pound guy who runs a 4.4.? |
| 88 | Danny Woodhead | RB | SD | Deceptive speed |
| 89 | Dennis Pitta | TE | BAL | He's for the ethical treatment of animals |
| 90 | Frank Gore | RB | SF | Both his names are English words, and together they describe a horror movie |
| 91 | Matt Ryan | QB | ATL | Vanilla Ice |
| 92 | Tony Romo | QB | DAL | Defense ensures Cowboys won't contend, so Romo can't choke |
| 93 | Matthew Stafford | QB | DET | Mindless chucker, blessed with most physically gifted WR of all time |
| 94 | Zach Ertz | TE | PHI | Deceptive speed |
| 95 | Jordan Reed | TE | WAS | Going down Austin Collie career path |
| 96 | DeAndre Hopkins | WR | HOU | Disappointed Andre Johnson caved |
| 97 | Jordan Matthews | WR | PHI | Can do everything but catch |
| 98 | Aaron Dobson | WR | NE | Huge sleeper assuming he ever walks again |
| 99 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Will score all of Carolina's offensive TDs this year |
| 100 | Carlos Hyde | RB | SF | Dr. Jekyll during the offseason |
| 101 | Kelvin Benjamin | WR | CAR | Slightly less agile than Frankenstein |
| 102 | Colin Kaepernick | QB | SF | Got an awful lot of money for a meager 416 pass attempts |
| 103 | Steven Jackson | RB | ATL | More mileage than the Space Shuttle |
| 104 | Julian Edelman | WR | NE | Deceptive speed |
| 105 | Marqise Lee | WR | JAC | There's no "I" in team, and there's no "u" in Marqise |
| 106 | Charles Clay | TE | MIA | The tight end you settle for when you punt the position |
| 107 | Andre Williams | RB | NYG | Can't block or receive, but otherwise great fit for West Coast offense |
| 108 | Greg Jennings | WR | MIN | Counsels Eric Decker on life after competent QB |
| 109 | Kenny Britt | WR | STL | Shouldn't he be in jail? |
| 110 | Tavon Austin | WR | STL | STL didn't realize he was 4-foot-6 when they drafted him No. 8 overall |
| 111 | Hakeem Nicks | WR | IND | Best shape of his life isn't good enough for Pep Hamilton |
| 112 | Justin Hunter | WR | TEN | No amount of athletic ability can make Jake Locker throw better |
| 113 | Stevan Ridley | RB | NE | Will score at least five TDs on your bench this year |
| 114 | Brian Hartline | WR | MIA | Not especially likely to cross the goal line |
| 115 | Russell Wilson | QB | SEA | Runs around so much because he can't see over the line |
| 116 | Danny Amendola | WR | NE | Not even the best white receiver on his own team |
| 117 | Kyle Rudolph | TE | MIN | Case for his breakout amounts to: "Norv Turner is magic" |
| 118 | Devonta Freeman | RB | ATL | Thinks Steven Jackson is a coach |
| 119 | Ahmad Bradshaw | RB | IND | Can no longer feel his foot injuries after neck injury |
| 120 | Fred Jackson | RB | BUF | Fought in the War of 1812 |
| 121 | DeAngelo Williams | RB | CAR | As if this is the year a Carolina RB will serve any purpose whatsoever |
| 122 | Emmanuel Sanders | WR | DEN | Barry Sanders nephew |
| 123 | Charles Sims | RB | TB | Billy Sims grandson |
| 124 | Christine Michael | RB | SEA | Having girl's name no doubt toughened him up for NFL |
| 125 | Darren McFadden | RB | OAK | Has better chance of flying manned mission to the sun than playing 16 games |
| 126 | Jonathan Stewart | RB | CAR | Career totally wasted in Carolina |
| 127 | Anquan Boldin | WR | SF | Same age and speed as Jeff Erickson |
| 128 | Bernard Pierce | RB | BAL | Could not have failed to seize the opportunity more emphatically last year |
| 129 | Philip Rivers | QB | SD | Not concerned about overpopulation |
| 130 | Ladarius Green | TE | SD | Trendy sleeper pick that will cede targets to Gates' carcass |
| 131 | Knowshon Moreno | RB | MIA | Last year's success was at least 4% due to his skills |
| 132 | Jermaine Kearse | WR | SEA | Javon's nephew |
| 133 | Knile Davis | RB | KC | Cuts like a Knile |
| 134 | Mark Ingram | RB | NO | Hard to believe he was ever drafted in the first round |
| 135 | Reggie Wayne | WR | IND | Sure to siphon targets from younger, more deserving players |
| 136 | Stepfan Taylor | RB | ARZ | Not a fan by birth |
| 137 | James Starks | RB | GB | If Eddie Lacy ever goes down Starks will be great for the game he's healthy |
| 138 | Jarrett Boykin | WR | GB | So slow, defenses forget about him |
| 139 | Ronnie Hillman | RB | DEN | The backup no one seriously believes could actually have the job |
| 140 | Jay Cutler | QB | CHI | Comfortable with being an ***hole |
| 141 | Khiry Robinson | RB | NO | Only Khiry on planet earth |
| 142 | Roy Helu | RB | WAS | Likely to say goodbye due to injury before long |
| 143 | Jeremy Hill | RB | CIN | One-dimensional bruiser overdrafted in Round 2 |
| 144 | Rod Streater | WR | OAK | Second best adult film name to "Harry Douglas" |
| 145 | Andre Holmes | WR | OAK | Santonio's grandson |
| 146 | Martellus Bennett | TE | CHI | Engineered suspension to get time off during preseason |
| 147 | Davante Adams | WR | GB | Usain Bolt compared to Boykin |
| 148 | Tyler Eifert | TE | CIN | Probably wind up being a blocker like fellow 1st-rounder Gresham |
| 149 | Donald Brown | RB | SD | Colts thought so little of Brown, they traded a 1st-Rd pick for Trent Richardson |
| 150 | Robert Turbin | RB | SEA | Should be allowed to wear a turban instead of a helmet |
