Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.
Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, and this year might be a new low.
Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
---|---|---|---|---|
1 | Antonio Brown | WR | PIT | There's no accounting for taste |
2 | Odell Beckham | WR | NYG | Spearheading the Giants offense |
3 | Julio Jones | WR | ATL | Would it kill him to catch a TD? |
4 | David Johnson | RB | ARZ | This year's C.J. Anderson |
5 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Ecstatic CIN jettisoned his marginally competent competition for targets |
6 | Allen Robinson | WR | JAC | Only produces in garbage time, but it comes early in Jacksonville |
7 | DeAndre Hopkins | WR | HOU | Milquetoast compiler on huge volume; Osweiler could be terrible |
8 | Todd Gurley | RB | LA | Poor man's Dexter Manley |
9 | Brandin Cooks | WR | NO | Should have been a chef |
10 | Mike Evans | WR | TB | 6-5, 230 and caught three TDs on 149 targets |
11 | Dez Bryant | WR | DAL | If you draft, realize Dak Prescott will be throwing his passes by Week 6 |
12 | Brandon Marshall | WR | NYJ | Old and slow |
13 | Alshon Jeffery | WR | CHI | Great for the 2-3 weeks per year when he's healthy |
14 | Devonta Freeman | RB | ATL | Considered most fraudulent reigning No. 1 fantasy back in NFL history |
15 | Rob Gronkowski | TE | NE | Rare Pats TE who doesn't murder people |
16 | Ezekiel Elliott | RB | DAL | Less than ideal first training camp |
17 | Le'Veon Bell | RB | PIT | Attended mandatory minicamp, skipped optional NFL drug testing program |
18 | Lamar Miller | RB | HOU | Going down the C.J. Spiller career path |
19 | Adrian Peterson | RB | MIN | Doesn't take crap from toddlers |
20 | T.Y. Hilton | WR | IND | T.Y. Motel 6 |
21 | Keenan Allen | WR | SD | Makes Alshon Jeffery look like an iron man |
22 | Amari Cooper | WR | OAK | Derek Carr preferred Michael Crabtree |
23 | Jordy Nelson | WR | GB | An old man on two bad knees, but with deceptive speed |
24 | Sammy Watkins | WR | BUF | How'd that foot injury work out for Dez Bryant last year? |
25 | Jamaal Charles | RB | KC | Going through ACLs like old clothes |
26 | Demaryius Thomas | WR | DEN | Upgrade to Sanchez offset by inability to catch |
27 | C.J. Anderson | RB | DEN | Going down the Zac Stacy career path |
28 | Eddie Lacy | RB | GB | Provides offensive line depth |
29 | Mark Ingram | RB | NO | A McFaddenesque lock to miss time this year |
30 | LeSean McCoy | RB | BUF | If he has a bad year, those who don't own him will experience ShadyFraud |
31 | Doug Martin | RB | TB | Aside from the chronic fumbling and superior option on third down, Martin should be fine |
32 | Thomas Rawls | RB | SEA | Drafters operating behind The Veil of Ignorance regarding his foot injury |
33 | Jordan Reed | TE | WAS | Actually gets concussed as often as Calvin Johnson claims to |
34 | Julian Edelman | WR | NE | Deceptive speed |
35 | Golden Tate | WR | DET | Bronze Tate last year |
36 | Randall Cobb | WR | GB | Praying for Jordy Nelson's return to health after frostbite-level exposure last year |
37 | Jarvis Landry | WR | MIA | Small, slow and ineffective |
38 | Donte Moncrief | WR | IND | Colts so high on Moncrief last year, took Dorsett in Round 1 and brought in Andre Johnson's cadaver |
39 | DeVante Parker | WR | MIA | Persuading new HC Adam Gase not to waste 166 targets on talentless Jarvis Landry |
40 | Jeremy Maclin | WR | KC | Longs to catch a pass that travels more than five yards in the air |
41 | Eric Decker | WR | NYJ | Deceptive speed |
42 | Doug Baldwin | WR | SEA | NFL's biggest WR fluke since Brandon Lloyd won the receiving title |
43 | Michael Floyd | WR | ARZ | You never know when his team will ignore him for an eight-game stretch. |
44 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARZ | His appointment with Melisandra went better than expected last summer; And Gerald Fits Larry |
45 | John Brown | WR | ARZ | Relieved Bob Marley is dead |
46 | Kelvin Benjamin | WR | CAR | Wasn't good even before he tore his ACL |
47 | Tyler Lockett | WR | SEA | What you do with your door when you leave the house |
48 | Greg Olsen | TE | CAR | Deceptive speed |
49 | Emmanuel Sanders | WR | DEN | Excited for the upgrade from Peyton Manning's corpse |
50 | Giovani Bernard | RB | CIN | NFL's version of Giancarlo Stanton |
51 | Jordan Matthews | WR | PHI | Praying for Carson Wentz era to start |
52 | Carlos Hyde | RB | SF | Dr. Jeckyll is more durable |
53 | DeMarco Murray | RB | TEN | Apparently it was the Dallas line and not Murray |
54 | Latavius Murray | RB | OAK | Low-impact accumulator over 16 games |
55 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Profiles in Sportsmanship |
56 | Kevin White | WR | CHI | "Needs to work on everything" according to Bears WR coach |
57 | Corey Coleman | WR | CLE | Not an ideal landing spot |
58 | Allen Hurns | WR | JAC | Not even the best Allen among the team's WR |
59 | Charles Sims | RB | TB | Bucs so enamored of him they gave fumbling Doug Martin big money to stick around |
60 | Duke Johnson | RB | CLE | If he struggles, will be demoted to Viscount |
61 | Matt Forte | RB | NYJ | Old warhorse on his last legs |
62 | Ryan Mathews | RB | PHI | Got hurt before camp even started |
63 | Arian Foster | RB | MIA | If you get six decent games out of him, it's a win |
64 | Jeremy Hill | RB | CIN | Ideal for running clock late in games |
65 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | A zero without Jordy Nelson |
66 | Russell Wilson | QB | SEA | Finally seeing action |
67 | Andrew Luck | QB | IND | Had neither luck nor skill last year |
68 | Danny Woodhead | RB | SD | Count on a 32-YO midget at your peril; deceptive speed |
69 | Dion Lewis | RB | NE | Belichick will cut him w/o a second thought if knee isn't 100% |
70 | Sterling Shepard | WR | NYG | What Jules was trying to be in Pulp Fiction |
71 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | Mediocre compiler, benefitting from the Coors Field of NFL environments |
72 | Josh Gordon | WR | CLE | Smoked a J with Roger Goddell, worked out their differences. |
73 | DeAngelo Williams | RB | PIT | Wisely signed with a team whose starter greatly enjoys marijuana |
74 | Matt Jones | RB | WAS | Already squandered his chance |
75 | Michael Crabtree | WR | OAK | Literally the least efficient receiver in the league last year. Richard Sherman was too generous |
76 | DeSean Jackson | WR | WAS | Good luck guessing when he'll catch a 50-yard TD, probably when you bench him |
77 | Torrey Smith | WR | SF | Knows his team is a joke |
78 | Jeremy Langford | RB | CHI | One of four scrubs competiting for a job |
79 | Marvin Jones | WR | DET | Fills Calvin Johnson's shoes about as well as Tom Dempsey would |
80 | Stefon Diggs | WR | MIN | Adept with a shovel |
81 | Kamar Aiken | WR | BAL | Making a living as the "by-default" guy |
82 | Phillip Dorsett | WR | IND | Poor man's T.Y. Hilton |
83 | Bilal Powell | RB | NYJ | Poor man's Matt Forte |
84 | Delanie Walker | TE | TEN | Is only a thing because the wideouts on the team are so terrible |
85 | Travis Kelce | TE | KC | Deceptive speed |
86 | Ben Roethlisberger | QB | PIT | One of our "contemporary ancestors" |
87 | Rashad Jennings | RB | NYG | Poor man's Arian Foster |
88 | Markus Wheaton | WR | PIT | Gluten-free owners should avoid. |
89 | Sammie Coates | WR | PIT | Should have been a painter |
90 | Zach Ertz | TE | PHI | Stash on your bench until Week 16 |
91 | Ameer Abdullah | RB | DET | Hype to performance ratio just north of infinity last year |
92 | Laquon Treadwell | WR | MIN | Excellent on the treadmill |
93 | Blake Bortles | QB | JAC | The Joe Montana of garbage time |
94 | Chris Ivory | RB | JAC | Wishes his backup would change name to "T.J. Ebony"in the interest of harmony |
95 | Mohamed Sanu | WR | ATL | Transparently useless decoy, as Matt Ryan only throws to Julio Jones |
96 | Tavon Austin | WR | LA | A third-down back who oddly qualifies at wide receiver |
97 | Willie Snead | WR | NO | Walk-on from the general public who now starts for the Saints |
98 | Ladarius Green | TE | PIT | Already injured |
99 | Coby Fleener | TE | NO | Deceptive speed |
100 | Gary Barnidge | TE | CLE | Deceptive speed |
101 | Melvin Gordon | RB | SD | Going down the Trent Richardson career path |
102 | Javorius Allen | RB | BAL | See Langford, Jeremy |
103 | Theo Riddick | RB | DET | A short, slow possession WR who oddly qualifies at RB |
104 | Dwayne Allen | TE | IND | Makes Jordan Reed seem durable |
105 | Antonio Gates | TE | SD | Chargers will force-feed his prehistoric carcass to break Gonzalez's TD record. |
106 | Dorial Green-Beckham | WR | TEN | Team trusts him so much it dredged up Andre Johnson's remains |
107 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Suspended, but should be in a prison cell |
108 | Shane Vereen | RB | NYG | Poor man's Theo Riddick |
109 | Jameis Winston | QB | TB | Going down the Ben Roethlisberger career path |
110 | Devin Funchess | WR | CAR | Enjoys chess |
111 | Vincent Jackson | QB | TB | Too big to age well. Better suited as TE at this point. |
112 | Tyler Eifert | TE | CIN | Going down the Kyle Rudolph career path |
113 | Rishard Matthews | WR | TEN | Halfway between Richard and Rashad |
114 | Justin Forsett | RB | BAL | Journeyman reaching the end of his travels |
115 | Zach Miller | TE | CHI | Deceptive speed |
116 | Frank Gore | RB | IND | As effective as Grandpa in the Texas Chainshaw Massacre at this point |
117 | Kirk Cousins | QB | WAS | RG3 does not like that |
118 | Carson Palmer | QB | ARZ | Makes Tony Romo seem durable |
119 | Jonathan Stewart | RB | CAR | Doesn't score TDs or catch passes; otherwise he has tons of upside |
120 | Isaiah Crowell | RB | CLE | A starting RB who gets drafted after many backups |
121 | Marcus Mariota | QB | TEN | Poor man's Vince Young |
122 | Eli Manning | QB | NYG | Woud be out of football by now but for Odell Beckham |
123 | Philip Rivers | QB | SD | On pace for 81 grandchildren |
124 | Travis Benjamin | WR | SD | Poor man's Ted Ginn |
125 | Josh Ferguson | RB | IND | Random scrub people will draft because someone has to carry the ball in Indy |
126 | Michael Thomas | WR | NO | Poor man's Marques Colston |
127 | Derrick Henry | RB | TEN | Alabama running backs always pan out |
128 | Tyrod Taylor | QB | BUF | Would donate his foot to Sammy Watkins if necessary given other WR in Buffalo |
129 | Andy Dalton | QB | CIN | As surprised as you are at the year he had in 2015 |
130 | Devontae Booker | RB | DEN | Should have been a travel agent |
131 | DeAndre Washington | RB | OAK | One of several DeAndres in the league |
132 | Jordan Howard | RB | CHI | One of several scrubs competing for a RB job who we are unfortunately obligated to list |
133 | Jerick McKinnon | RB | MIN | Easily the best baby-sitting back on the Vikings roster |
134 | Paul Perkins | RB | NYG | Excited to back up the most injury prone player in the NFL |
135 | Nelson Agholor | WR | PHI | Obligated to list him after Jordan Matthews' injury |
136 | Pierre Garcon | WR | WAS | Will be waiting tables soon unless performance improves dramatically |
137 | Matt Ryan | QB | ATL | Vanilla Ice |
138 | Tony Romo | QB | DAL | 2016's Eddie Lacy |
139 | C.J. Prosise | RB | SEA | If you draft Thomas Rawls and miss out on his possible backup, your draft was Improsise |
140 | Jay Ajayi | RB | MIA | No team has ever shown less confidence in an incumbent than the Dolphins did with Ajayi |
141 | Darren McFadden | RB | DAL | The gold standard for injury-prone players |
142 | Kenneth Dixon | RB | BAL | One of several scrubs competing for a RB job who we are unfortunately obligated to list |
143 | T.J. Yeldon | RB | JAC | Has provision in his contract prohibiting end-zone work |
144 | Spencer Ware | RB | KC | A commodity in the Chiefs backfield |
145 | Jason Witten | TE | DAL | Deceptive speed |
146 | Victor Cruz | WR | NYG | Hasn't played since Week 5 of 1987 |
147 | Wendell Smallwood | RB | PHI | Size isn't everything |
148 | Eric Ebron | TE | DET | Lions refuse to say whether he's hurt; no one understands why |
149 | Jimmy Graham | TE | NO | Decapitation would be easier to return from than what he has |
150 | Karlos Williams | RB | BUF | Binge-eater while high, needs to keep healthier foods in the house |