Neutral Zone Wrap: All (in the) Stars

Neutral Zone Wrap
Evan Berofsky, RotoWire.com

Free-flowing action. In-game player interviews. Revolutionary real-time tracking. Yup, it's official: the NHL All Star game is still as boring as ever.

If it wasn't enough to be blinded from staring at those fluorescent jerseys, you could also go deaf from having to endure that cannon shot/horn combo after every goal. AND THERE WERE 29 IN TOTAL. (SORRY FOR YELLING. MY HEARING HASN'T FULLY RECOVERED FROM THE TV BROADCAST. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GLENN HEALY.)

There have been many incarnations of this event with various formats but clearly a major shakeup is in order. Here are a couple suggestions that would make things more exciting:

- A body check will earn a player $1000. A minor penalty is worth $2500. Purposely try to injure someone? That's an extra $10G in your pocket.
- Anyone who scores will have a 20-pound weight attached to his leg. Wear full body armor for netting a hat-trick.
- Randomly send the Zamboni on the ice during the game. See if the humans can outrun them or be flattened into overpaid pancakes.
- If a goalie gives up more than three goals, then he will immediately get traded to Edmonton. No exceptions, no substitutions.

Hey, it was worth a shot. Let's return to our standard, low-scoring five team review. Loud sound effects not included:

(Stats as of Monday January 26th)

The Flames are doing well to hang on to the eighth seed in the West. Looks like Joni Ortio will stay in the AHL (where he's gone 45-16-1 the last two years), even after his impressive run (4-1 with a 1.98 GAA and .931 SV%). Calgary may look thin down the middle, but their centers are getting it done. Sophomore Sean Monahan (eight points in 10 games, including goals in four straight) is the leader of the pack. Mikael Backlund (eight in seven) isn't far behind. Josh Jooris (two in 13) immediately impressed but eventually succumbed to injury and consistency. The prime positions on the wings are up for grabs, with Joe Colborne (seven in 11) the latest to regain his scoring touch. David Jones (five in seven, plus-4) has always faced problems, so we'll see how this streak holds up. And Alberta native Lance Bouma (seven assists in six) is sneaking his way into the conversation.

Just when you thought it was time to write off Boston, they revert to their standard solid system. While he'll never reclaim a top role, Loui Eriksson (points in 10 of his last 16) can provide when required. Reilly Smith (six in 13, but two power-play assists on the second unit) may have bounced around the lineup but he's been of service at every point. He may only be 18, but David Pastrnak (five in seven) has already fit in on the first line. And Chris Kelly (nine in 14, 21 PIM) has earned his keep and enjoying the benefits. There doesn't appear to be anything physically wrong with Zdeno Chara, although the production (three in 12, despite regularly topping 25 minutes) may suggest otherwise. While Dennis Seidenberg isn't a regular point getter (one in 21), he can help in other areas (113 hits, 91 blocked shots).

Ride the Lightning - right into the postseason. Their main contributors are well known but there's still room for more on board. Alex Killorn (seven in nine) has continued at a steady pace. Jonathan Drouin (eight zeroes surrounding a four-game point streak) has amassed additional minutes, which should lead to bigger opportunities. Cedric Paquette (four in seven) doesn't receive much press, but his rank as Tampa's #3 center is worth a look in deeper leagues. And Brett Connolly (four in 20, rarely seeing double-digit minutes) still can't advance enough to be reliable. For all the positivity heading into the season, Jason Garrison (one in 10) has disappointed. With the growing number of blueline casualties, perhaps 2011 5th rounder Nikita Nesterov (two in seven after 14 in 32 with Syracuse) can stick with the Bolts.

Nothing to fear about LA's slide, as they always seem to pick it up when it matters. Captain Dustin Brown (nine in 13) and playoff hero Justin Williams (five in seven) have excelled recently. With Tanner Pearson (broken leg) done for, maybe one of Dwight King (scoreless in seven) or Trevor Lewis (one in 10) can fill the void. Jarret Stoll may be a prime faceoff performer but has underachieved (two in 14) where it matters. The club finally woke up and realized Mike Richards (three in 17, minus-6) developed into a major liability. And after initial promise, Brayden McNabb (two in eight, four healthy scratches) has fallen out of favor.

With the Leafs' horrific downturn (1-9 in 2015), at least their fans won't have to worry about a late-season collapse. It's apparent how much they miss Joffrey Lupul (lower-body injury, should return this week), although Toronto is pretty thin on offensive talent. Better step up and show yourself, David Clarkson (finally scored after 11 consecutive goose eggs). It was a nice story when Mike Santorelli made waves (13 in 10 during November/December), but he has ended up crashing on shore (one in eight). Daniel Winnik (five in eight) can only do so much with the added workload. With Dion Phaneuf slumping (nothing in eight) and now sidelined, it's time for Jake Gardiner and Morgan Rielly (matching two in 12s) to assume greater attacking roles.