Frozen Fantasy: Panthers Don't Move Like Jagr

I've been rooting for the Panthers to claw over the Bruins and into the playoffs. Let me rephrase that -- I was rooting for the kitties. Not anymore.

Number 68? What a mistake.

The decision to trade for Jaromir Jagr had to be the brainfart of owners Vinnie Viola and Doug Cifu. Seriously? Jagr is so slow he makes dial up seem fast. The only place he won't hurt you is on the power play. And even that isn't such a great idea.

Jagr thinks he can still carry the mail. He can't. The kitties are fast, so it makes no sense to add a top-six guy who's slower than a herd of stampeding turtles.

Don't get me wrong -- I think Jagr is one of the league's best players ever. He's fifth in league scoring all time. But putting him into the Florida lineup all but crushes any playoff hope it had.

Jagr's first NHL game came before 10 Panthers were even born. Cripes, he scored 135 goals before Aaron Ekblad even came into the world. He started in the NHL before the Panthers even made their debut in the league. And he plays the game by slowing it down and protecting the puck with that giant butt.

These cats aren't slow. Not even close.

General manager Dale Tallon has just sealed his team's fate with this deal. The Panthers are four points behind Boston with about 20 games to go. And that's how they're going to stay. Jagr will be just as unhappy in Florida as he was in New Jersey. His ice time isn't going to increase back to the Pete DeBoer levels. In fact, it'll probably slip once the Panthers realize he's as slow as he is.

But hey -- there's still time to trade him again before Monday's deadline. Hang that future HOF anchor on some other contender's team.

Now let's take a look at who caught my eye this week.

Mark Arcobello, C, Arizona (1 percent Yahoo owned) - Arcobello looks good in a Yotes uniform. Really good. Then again, that might have been said about the other three NHL jerseys he's worn this season. Yep, he's played for four teams and that ties an NHL record. And he did it in the first 56 games of the season. But this time, he seems to have found a home. He has a remarkable five goals in seven games in the desert, and he's flashing his patented high-skill, high-smarts game. He might be small, but his production is big. Plug him in and let him play.

Francois Beauchemin, D, Anaheim (10 percent) - I'm still torn on who got the most from the deal that sent big Beauch to the left coast. He brings stability, leadership, solid D and reasonable offense to the table, game in and game out. The Leafs could sure use a guy like that, don't you think? He has lost a bit of a step, but he's the perfect partner for young stud, Hampus Lindholm. And he can still produce. Try five points, including four goals, in his last eight games. Yah. Five in eight. He's already in my lineup. You?

David Clarkson, RW, Columbus (3 percent) - The nightmare is over for both Clarkson and the Leafs. Clarkson was a bad fit in the Big Smoke -- he bought into the Wendel Clark comparisons and sadly channeled his best Martin Lapointe once he hit town. But in Columbus, Clarkson gains anonymity and an opportunity to do what made him successful in Jersey -- that is, get his nose dirty, grind guys into the wall, drive the net and carry a proverbial lunch bucket to the rink every day. He won't get much power-play time -- Nick Foligno and Scott Hartnell play the role of big body in front of the net on the man advantage. But the absence of pressure will revolutionize his game. He won't produce like a scoring forward, but he should be an above-average, physical third liner. And that should give you some multi-categorical goodness in deep formats.

Scott Darling, G, Chicago (11 percent) - Here's all you need to know about this guy. The Hawks have signed Darling to a long-term deal AND made it known that Antti Raanta is available in trade. Darling is now the No. 2 man in the Windy City, and he'll get plenty of solid matchups until season's end. Friday night aside, he's a great option in daily leagues. His ownership is growing, but he could be available in yours. I got him in one of mine ...

Andrew Hammond, G, Ottawa (21 percent) - Lightning, meet bottle. This hard-working 27-year-old has vaulted into the blue paint in Canada's capital and has done nothing but impress. His teammates are even calling him Ken Dryden, in homage to his college pedigree and late-season heroics. He has solid skills, but it's his work ethic that really stands out. But I just can't imagine him keeping this up -- back-to-back shutouts of the Ducks and Kings, and four wins in his last four starts? He'll be back to earth and soon. His ownership skyrocketed from six percent to 21 on Friday alone, so he's probably not on your wire anymore. But check to see who was dropped when he got scooped up.

Zack Kassian, RW, Vancouver (7 percent) - I picked up Kassian a couple weeks ago, purely on a hunch. Talk about luck. He's been a beast since he was sat down as a healthy scratch a few games ago. He's back and he has a chip on his shoulder. The Orcas have slotted him alongside Daniel and Henrik Sedin, and he has four goals in four games since he rode the pine. He's firing pucks and making hits, too. I'm not sure I'm buying in keeper formats just yet, but I am in single-year Yahoo leagues.

Adam Larsson, D, New Jersey (3 percent) - Larsson has been a huge disappointment, at least to fantasy owners. After all, it's almost impossible to live up to draft-day comparisons to Niklas Lidstrom and Victor Hedman. Gulp. But he has taken a leap in the last week and has six assists in his last five games. His assist Friday tied his career points mark (18), but in 21 fewer games. So maybe, just maybe, there is a parallel to Hedman ... or at least to his development curve. I snagged Larsson mid-week and I'm happy I did. And I'm seriously contemplating a play to get him in my big keeper league. The training wheels are finally off.

Kyle Palmieri, RW, Anaheim (6 percent) - Palmieri has all of the tools of a top-six forward -- speed, skill, shot and drive. And with time, he will bring much better consistency to his game. He is just 23 after all. He has solid numbers (23 points in 38 games). But it's his five points (one goal, four assists) in his last five outings that got him back on my roster.

Teuvo Teravainen, LW/C, Chicago (3 percent) - Teravainen sniped a nice goal in his first game back up with the Hawks -- the guy is truly talented. And his skill set is remarkably similar to that of the now-injured Patrick Kane -- just don't expect him to don the cape and play Superman. No one can replace the league's leading scorer, but I'm guessing Teravainen won't stay on the third line for long, especially if the Patrick Sharp situation continues to deteriorate. The usual caveats about the limitations of youth apply. But I'd roll the dice if I'd been hit with injuries. Hell, I might roll the dice anyway.

Kimmo Timonen, D, Chicago (5 percent) - I thought this guy's career was over. But somehow, some way, he has made his way back to the NHL. Again. Timonen could be ready to roll as soon as Monday, so I've slipped him onto my Friends and Family roster. He's better on mine than on someone else's. He's exactly the kind of depth guy who can solidify the Hawks back end. He'll be eased into action on the third pairing in the injured Johnny Oduya's spot. And in time, he could step up onto the second unit on the PP. I'll activate him then and reap the benefits.

Back to Jagr.

Some things go together. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like rock and roll. And like Jaromir Jagr and retirement. The only way this trade works out is that the young guys carry the puck exclusively. That'll give Jagr time to amble into the zone and work his way down into the cycle.

They're toast if he gets it in his head that possession equals "me carry puck." Jarome Iginla's sluggish feet have made him a tough fit in Colorado. And look how Nathan MacKinnon hasn't developed as a result.

Just saying.

Martin Brodeur sullied his legacy with that Blues debacle. It's really too bad that Jagr is dragging out his career in a similar way. And taking down the kitties at the same time.

Until next week.