Frozen Fantasy: Cup Confusion in the East

So, who's going to win the Stanley Cup this season? Ask fans and they'll tell you it's their team. Bar none. But you and I both know that's a load of crap.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe -- catch Lord Stanley by the toe.

This year is a tough call. Who's coming out of the East? No team is perfect. The West? Yikes. That conference is once again the class of the league. Even several oddsmakers in Vegas still had the Kings at 10/1 to win the chalice when I checked the odds Saturday ... but that was just before the Canucks all but doused their postseason hopes.

Parity or powerhouse? I only wish I could stay up to see more west coast games.

So, what do teams need to have happen to have the stars align for them this postseason? This week, I look at the East. West is next week. So, let's dive right in.

Boston Bruins: What do they need?

An anti-aging pill for Zdeno Chara, an anti-pout pill for Milan Lucic and an anti-angry pill for Tuukka Rask.

Likelihood of happening: You can always pray for a miracle. I've heard anything is possible if you just have a little faith. I don't. Not in this. But someone might. The golf clubs are coming out early -- no playoffs for you.

Detroit Red Wings: What do they need (to do)?

Avoid the Lightning like the plague -- that team is their kryptonite. They get out-possessioned, out-finessed and out-goaltended by the Jedi master Stevie Y himself and his boys.

Likelihood of happening: Roll the dice. Is Petr Mrazek is the answer? Eric Cole sure isn't.

Montreal Canadiens: What do they need?

Bob Barker and Drew Carey. The Price really does need to be right.

Likelihood of happening: High. It would have happened last year if that damn Chris Kreider hadn't pulled a Hartnell Down and took Carey with him. And I'm pretty sure the Habs would score more if they really did channel big, bad Bob. Cough, cough.

New York Islanders: What do they need (to do)?

Score more. Suppress a heck of a lot more shots. And pray for no hair balls from Halak.

Likelihood of happening: Ugh. Shut down John Tavares and these guys haven't got a prayer. 2016 perhaps?

New York Rangers: What do they need?

King Henrik. Tragedy that binds the team (again). A cloak to hide Keith Yandle's own-zone deficiencies. And onions -- Rick Nash usually loses his in the postseason.

Likelihood of happening: Tears. Onions always cause tears. Peel 'em fast, peel 'em slow. The result is the same. Besides -- can King Henrik carry his team four rounds when his on-ice conditioning has taken such a hit?

Ottawa Senators: What do they need?

Better food choices. They're going to end up with the runs if they keep picking up burgers off the ice and eating them.

Likelihood of happening: The Hamburglar has caught lightning in a bottle, but that bottle is only so big. Remember John Druce? They'll get in, but it's game over against les Habitants.

Pittsburgh Penguins: What do they need?

A magic pill that keeps them from moaning, groaning, whining and pining about every, freaking, bloody call made or not made by the on-ice zebras. And better sense than playing Ben Lovejoy in their top four.

Likelihood of happening: Not even Bill Guerin can make that kind of magic happen.

Tampa Bay Lightning: What do they need?

A healthy Ben Bishop, no mistakes from the back end and wide open ice -- speed really can kill and that's what the Bolts hope to deal their foes.

Likelihood of happening: Universal Studios is opening "Fast and Furious - Supercharged" in Hollywood this June, so it's entirely possible they could do the same in Orlando. And that's only about 100 miles from Amalie Arena. Is that too long for a parade route?

Washington Capitals: What do they need?

More superheroes. Shut down Batman and Robin, and Gotham City crumbles.

Likelihood of happening: Rely on Joel Ward, Curtis Glencross, Jason Chimera, et al? Good luck. But maybe Batman will win the Rocket Richard AND Conn Smythe trophies. Surely, he'll get his new car that way ... right?

That was fun. Now let's look at who caught my eye this week.

Marko Dano, RW/C, Columbus (5 percent Yahoo owned) - Dano is as close to the perfect package as you can get. He has a nose for the net. He makes nifty moves and deft passes. He can score. And play the wall. And he plays "big," something that's damn important for a guy who's 5-foot-11. He's made an immediate impact on a line with Scott Hartnell and fellow rook, Alexander Wennberg -- they combined for four goals and two assists against Vancouver on Thursday night. Book him, Dano. I like what I see.

Brian Gionta, RW, Buffalo (2 percent) - WTF - a Sabre? Consider this before you run far away. He's firing lots of pucks (13) and picked up three helpers in three games heading into Saturday. And all three of those came on the power play. His plus-minus will hang like an anchor on your team, so don't bother if you're in a tight battle there. But he's worth a sniff - and he comes cheap - if you need help in those other categories.

Bo Horvat, C, Vancouver (2 percent) - His numbers aren't overwhelming, but he's been hot lately -- four goals and an assist in his last seven games. And three of those goals came against the Kings, Ducks and Sharks -- that's #impressive. He may or may not help you this season, but he's definitely a file-his-name-away for 2015-16 guy. He's earned the trust of his coach and teammates, and quite frankly, the Orcas would be downright lost at center if he wasn't lacing them up. He's better than I thought.

Melker Karlsson, LW/C, San Jose (1 percent) - Melker Karlsson gets up every morning and pinches himself. And then he realizes that he's not dreaming -- Jumbo Joe Thornton really IS his linemate. Karlsson slips into open seams near the net and Jumbo Joe does the rest, threading the needle on seeing-eye passes that Karlsson rips at unsuspecting twinetenders. He had a whopping 18 shots in three games last week and a three-game, three-point streak that includes two goals heading into Saturday night. The Sharks are desperate and Jumbo Joe is playing like a man possessed. So grab this guy and pray he can simply keep his stick on the ice.

Petr Mrazek, G, Detroit (13 percent) - Jimmy Howard has had a serious case of the yips this month, and it's making me downright nauseous. And I hate the thought of puking. Enter Mrazek who is both talented and competitive. Check your wire, just in case. A controversy might just be starting to brew. And he's the kind of guy who can Pepto Bismol your world.

Brandon Pirri, C, Florida (4 percent) - Four games, four goals. And 21 freaking shots. He ain't sexy, but he's clearly responding to the pheromones that linemate Nick Bjugstad is secreting. Grab him. At worst, his shoot anything that moves (or arrives) will boost your SOG.

Damon Severson, D, New Jersey (9 percent) - This guy would be in the conversation as one of the top rookie defenders this season if he hadn't missed two-and-a-half months with a busted ankle. He's back and healthy, and has started to get into a groove -- he has three assists and a plus-4 rating with eight SOG in his last five games (heading into Saturday night). He's no Aaron Ekblad, but he might be a John Klingberg. And in a few years, he'll be Jersey's version of Shea Weber. Deeeeelish. You know just how much that appeals to me.

Drew Stafford, RW, Winnipeg (5 percent) - Some things just go together. Beavis and Butthead. Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson. And Drew Stafford and the city of Winnipeg. His Wisconsin roots clearly make him immune to the bitterly cold winters in the Peg, and he's really turned up the heat on the ice. He was on a four-game, five-point streak heading into Saturday night. And that included three goals. He also has eight points (five goals) in his first eight games in March. So, why is he on the wire? He's cheap and he's producing. Just take a look at what he did Saturday against the Caps. I can tell you he sure looks fine on one of my rosters ...

Back to the crystal ball.

Postseason predictions are one percent intelligence and 99 percent luck. So I did a little Google search to see what the psychics had to say -- isn't that all about luck? That lasted one search -- one tarot reader named Tara said the Leafs would win the Cup in 2016. I'm OK with luck, but I still need that sliver of intelligence.

Shudder.

So with intelligent luck in mind -- and Saturday's current playoff matchups in hand -- I'll walk the plank and pick the winners of the first round in the East. Gulp.

Montreal over Ottawa (yep, bu-bye Boston)

Tampa over Detroit (kryptonite, remember?)

Washington over N.Y. Rangers (be my boy, Batman ... I may regret this)

N.Y. Islanders over Pittsburgh (have I ever told you how much I hate whining?)

Until next week (and the West).