Frozen Fantasy: West is Best Come Playoff Time

Last week, I chewed through the Eastern Conference and looked at teams' playoff hopes. And as you can well imagine, a few folks didn't share my opinions.

Damn, I love my job.

So, this week it's the West. The West really is best when it comes to the NHL. And the NBA, for that matter. But that's a completely different story.

Let's dive right in.

Anaheim Ducks: What do they need to do?

A Good Dog collar for Corey Perry. A starting goalie who stays a starting goalie and freaking plays like a starting goalie. And perhaps most important, emerge from the phone booth wearing the dual capes of shot suppression AND puck possession.

Likelihood of happening: Twenty percent? You may not like advanced stats, but four of the last five Cup winners have been in the NHL's top four in both possession and suppression. The Quackers aren't even close in either (around 13th in possession (even strength shot attempts) and ninth in shot attempts against). And their penalty kill is in the bottom half of the league. This won't be Ryan Getzlaf et al's year. Again.

Minnesota Wild: What do they need?

A portable hyperbaric chamber to accelerate recovery for Big Cup Dubnyk, who has started something like 33 consecutive games. Then again, I'm not sure it worked out so well for Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong or Ryan Braun. Wait -- that was something else altogether. So, get Double-D his healing machine. Quick. They're sunk without him.

Likelihood of happening: Slim. The genie cannot stay in the bottle forever. Devan Dubnyk is a slightly-better-than-league-average twinetender who has been abused and overused. I want him to steal a first-round matchup and get a sweet new contract. But it won't go past that.

Nashville Predators: What do they need?

Some smelling salts to wake up the scorers. A little Grade A Shea Butter. Bring back the hockey-senseless Yanic Perreault to win faceoffs. I like the Preds, but yikes. Filip Forsberg has hit a wall (four goals and four assists in his last 20 games) and Mike Ribeiro (Mike Ribeiro!!!) is their top center (gack) and leading scorer (double hoark).

Likelihood of happening: Bah-ha-ha-HA! It ain't. Not on a wing or a prayer. Friday they had a 42.5 percent chance of facing the Blackhawks in the first round. Pekka Rinne is good, but he can't walk on water. The Hawks are their kryptonite, just like Tampa is to Detroit in the east.

Los Angeles Kings: What do they need?

The stars to align. Plain and simple. And maybe some square breathing, just to stay calm.

Likelihood of happening: They're in, they'll stay there and they'll go far. Since 2008-09, no team that was better than fourth in score-adjusted shot attempt percentage (think possession) missed the postseason. And four of the last five Cup winners were in the NHL's top four in that category. Hmmm ... sounds like the Kings "fit" in the postseason. Jonathan Quick will get in a zone. Drew Doughty is already in a zone. And Anze Kopitar's zone is the same one as Jonathan Toews' -- yes, he's that good. I don't want them to advance, but I can live with it IF they don their purple and gold unis. Doing it #retrostyle.

Calgary Flames: What do they need?

A storybook ending. And a little miracle hair gel -- think Brian Burke has enough to share? They are on the outside, looking in and need to lasso wins in the remaining four games of their current five-game road swing.

Likelihood of happening: These boys are cocky, but sadly, the cowboy doesn't always get the girl. Fire up the F150s, slide the rifles in the rack and head out on the range. They're poor possession numbers are going to bite them in their Wranglers before season's end.

St. Louis Blues: What do they need to do?

Break the spell. I don't care how. Consult the Ouija AND a psychic. Get a voodoo doll. ANYTHING to avoid Chicago in the first round.

Likelihood of happening: They're but a point behind Nashville for the lead in the Central, and the Preds have slowed in the second half. It's within reach. And they've solved just about every postseason issue they had from previous years. Vladimir Tarasenko is the elite forward they've never had. Center is deeper than ever. And the blue line MUST be better with Carl Gunnarsson, right? They'll be good as long as Brian Elliott doesn't try to one-up Carey Price on the selfies ...

Chicago Blackhawks: What do they need?

A new stick for Patrick Sharp. A new collarbone for Patrick Kane. And some Depends for Antoine Vermette, who tends to crap the bed when he gets to the postseason.

Likelihood of happening: The Hawks are my team, but that doesn't factor in here. There's something about a Joel Quenneville-coached team in the postseason that makes everyone go "Ahhhhhh." They control the walls and angle guys out like no one else. I'm glad a lot of prognosticators are calling for them to be playing in June. Me, too. And by then, Kaner will be back.

Vancouver Canucks: What do they need?

A new meme ... or at least a resurrection of the now infamous Vancouver Riot Kiss. A cloaking mode for the Sedins -- wait, they disappear in the postseason anyway. And an orca logo'd Snuggie for Ryan Miller, so he doesn't get cold while picking splinters out of his butt on the bench.

Likelihood of happening: No new meme. No scoring Sedins. No series win for Lack. It's the only way to save face and keep Miller next season. Besides, the Vancouver fans need something to whine about. I can't wait hear the conspiracy attached to this one.

Winnipeg Jets: What do they need to do?

Pray for a goalie to get hot and stay that way. A healthy Dustin Byfuglien and Bryan Little. Monogrammed team tracksuits. And a couple of cases of skeeter spray -- spring can get ugly in the Slurpee Capital of the World.

Likelihood of happening: Pretty good, though I'm pretty sure "tracksuit-gate" will keep them all in suits and ties. Their playoff spot might not be solidified until the last game of the season. But they'll be hell on wheels in the first round -- these guys love playing together and it shows on the ice. They're going to do some serious damage to the team they eventually face.

Now let's take a look at who caught my eye this week:

Charlie Coyle, RW/C, Minnesota (6 percent Yahoo owned) - The Wild are sizzling, and Coyle is warming right up with them. He has nine points in his last 10 games after ringing up 26 in the 65 games before that. He's big and great in possession, with a tool belt filled with above average tools. He'll never be a high-end producer, but I don't care. I'm happy to plug and play right now. The only thing he doesn't help is the power play, but I'm not targeting that category any way.

Brian Gionta, RW, Buffalo (2 percent) - I talked about him recently, so there's no need to wax poetic. I'll just remind you of this: seven points (three goals, four assists) in six games with a bunch (six) on the power-play and 27 SOG. Ignore that at your peril. Just be mindful of that plus-minus -- you don't want to lose your lunch or your league.

Kevin Hayes, RW, NY Rangers (9 percent) - Steak. Sizzle. Hayes has them both. He's ripping things up with a four-game, six-point streak, including five assists. He has a nose for the net and nice hands, and he is really making the Hawks kick themselves for not inking him to a deal. I just grabbed him (again), so I've missed most of that streak and his nine points in nine games. Fingers crossed he just keeps tearing things up.

Marc Methot, D, Ottawa (2 percent) - Methot is a rock. He's a physical, crease clearer who has become the Hamburglar's best friend. And for as tough as he is, Methot is damn smart -- he's not going to get goaded into stupid penalties. He had a plus-nine rating in the four games leading into Saturday's tilt against the Maple Leafs. He won't give you much else, but that's OK. He was plus-nine! That's a huge bump in a short period. Huge.

John Moore, D, Arizona (0 percent) - Moore is a smooth-skating defender who hit the motherload when he was traded to Arizona. Sure, his new team sucks, but he can get lots of ice time. He can move the puck and that has gotten him three points, including a goal, in his last two games. Two of those came on the power play, and he has seven shots in the same span. I'm not suggesting this will continue for long, but now, any forward progress is good progress.

David Moss, RW, Arizona (0 percent) - Moss is a journeyman NHLer who has enough games under his belt to earn a solid pension. He's not sexy, and honestly, he's not overly productive. But he can do that fits-and-spurts scoring thing, and that's exactly what he's doing. He has four points, including three goals, in his last four games. He might not get another. But he does have a 20-goal season on his rap sheet. So, he's an option for the truly desperate. But like Gionta (above), he's a barnacle-crusted anchor on your plus-minus. He is a Coyote after all.

Benoit Pouliot, LW, Edmonton (5 percent) - What's the book on Benny? Fantastic wheels. Quick hands. Top-end shot. Sounds near perfect, doesn't it? Not so fast -- his defensive awareness can sometimes be described as missing in action. But he's red hot in terms of offense, and you can get multicategorical goodness from him. He has 10 points, including six assists, in his last eight games. At five -- FIVE -- percent ownership.

Yannick Weber, D, Vancouver (6 percent) - I snagged Weber in one of my leagues, and man, am I glad I did. The undersized defender has remarkable smarts, great mobility and a wicked shot. And that has delivered a four-game, five-point scoring streak that includes three straight goals; four of those points were delivered with the man advantage. That's gold in almost every format.

Back to the crystal ball. Again.

Remember what I said last week? Yah, the part about postseason predictions being 99 percent luck and one percent smarts. Well, I'm thinking that Calgary's luck runs out by season's end. It's sad really -- the Flames have been a blast to watch. So, now I'm back on the plank to pick the first-round winners in the West, again using the current playoff matchups.

Double-gulp. This won't be easy, especially since they'll change like crazy by season's end. Oh well. A girl has to start somewhere.

Minny over Nashville (Chesty won't blow a strap or a cup until the second round)

La-La over Vancouver (don't Doughty the domination -- OK, that was bad)

Chicago over St. Louis (it'll go seven, but Chicago is to St. Louis as Tampa is to Detroit -- kryptonite)

Anaheim over Winnipeg (the Ducks will lose several feathers in this battle)

Until next week.