This article is part of our Rebound & Rant series.
Hello from Pittsburgh, the home of Primanti Brothers sandwiches, Mr. Rogers, Carnegie Mellon University, Iron City beer (I'm now, of course, consuming an IC Light in a Steeler koozie), and my wife Sharon's family, with whom we spend every Thanksgiving.
Pittsburgh, despite being an INSANE sports town, does not have an NBA team. But it was home to the 1979 movie classic The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. To quote the trailer, this miraculous artistic effort is "an astrological, disco sports extravaganza!!!" And it stared JULIUS "DR.J" ERVING!!! (I wrote Dr. J's full name because I realize most of you are half my age). For reasons I cannot fathom, Dr. J is pretty much left out of the official trailer, which I insist you watch now (you'll thank me):
Excessive Side Note: I had this Julius Erving poster over my bed as a kid, despite being a Washington Bullets fan. That's how badass Dr. J was. And check out Bill Walton in the background:
As I move on to IC Light number two, I will now try to make some 'Burgh inspired basketball observations.
Pahn Some Arns 
Trade Anthony Davis yesterday! I was going to type "now," but as the prior link will explain, Davis has already had his first inevitable injury of the year (knee). Davis is a stud, but by being forced to carry the Pelicans year after year, he breaks down, gets hurt and misses games. Before Tuesday, his stats were insane and he didn't suffer his first injury, yet. Trade high, while you still can, and then "pahn some arns" or be forced to later pahn arns to forget his future missed games.
Are you wondering what "pahn some arns" means? That's reasonable. "Pahn", in Pittsburghese, means "pound". And "arns" means "Irons" as in Iron City beer. So "pahn some irons" means to down some Iron City beers. It's not the world's greatest brewed ale, but it's local, people. Buy local!
Jonathan Winters Should Own the Kings 
In The Fish…, Winters plays "plays the dual roles of an ill-natured mogul and a sweet-natured nitwit." That means his dead body is already more qualified than current Kings owner Vivek Ranadive. For how long will Ranadive waste DeMarcus Cousins? The Kings are 5-9, well on their way to another lottery season. And for some reason they keep drafting bad centers. But the good news, basketball wise (I can't condone his off-the-court behavior), is Darren Collison. I paid excessively for Collison in a few leagues, and he's on the cusp of blossoming, as expected. Collison started two seasons ago. And now the Kings are experimenting with Collision and Lawson starting in a two-point guard system, with dinosaur-speed Arron Afflalo leading the weak Kings' bench. Trade for Collison now (though it might be too late) and then giggle like Winters after a helium balloon hit.
Redd Up your Bench 
Jerryd Bayless is back on the other side of "Pensivania" and needs to be owned in all formats. The Sixers have been getting poor to putrid point guard play from Sergio Rodriguez, T.J. McConnell n'at (meaning "and so forth"). The Sixers have been begging for mediocre point guard play for 2+ years. Bayless is no star, but he'll soon drown is excessive minutes as the Sixer brass will realize how mediocre point play will help develop their many young pups. Oh, "Redd Up" means to clean or tidy something, as in "Redd up your room before Mom whips you with a terrible tahl!"
Worsh the Glass! 
Tristan Thompson has always been a solid rebounder, but he's now averaging 2.4 blocks per over his last five games. This from a guy whose averaged 0.9 blocks per game in his five+ year career. At only 25 years of age, Thompson is young enough to still improve his game. If you can stomach the awful foul shooting, Thompson will provide nice big man stats from a team without a true center on the bench. "Worsh" means "wash," as in "Worsh your Mario Lemieux jersey – it's got chippedchopped ham and Klondike stains all over it!"
Fahnd Some Threes 
I always believe three-pointers are the easiest category to pick up mid-season. It's easy to "fahnd some threes" – yes, "find". This week's easy three point pick up is, believe it or not, Nick Young. You probably hate Young as much as I do. Selfish play and a desperate desire to be famous should never be rewarded, yet Luke Walton has done just that by installing Young as his clear starter and bringing Jordan Clarkson off the bench. With Young's recent game winner versus OKC, Young's minutes should stick. Forget the fact that Young clearly walked:
If you can't stomach Young, certainly give Jamal Murray a long look.
Yunz looking for some more Pittsburghese n'at? (By the way, many 'Burghers argue over whether it should be "Yunz" or "Yinz", which both mean "you guys" or "all of you"). Here is a very solid and entertaining explanation of Pittsburghese, with some witty PowerPoint:
The fantasy Pennsylvanian (Amtrak's NY to Pittsburgh ride) has hit the end of the line. Choo-Choo! And Happy Thanksgiving!!!
