The Vampire (Football) Diaries: Count Chocula Eats!

Count Chocula eats Ezekiel Elliott for breakfast!

There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.

Seriously though. I didn’t think I’d say it because in my wildest dreams I didn’t think I’d slay a team whose first three draft picks were Elliott, Leonard Fournette and Jordan Howard with an undrafted squad I built from the scrap heap. And starting a Saints defense that gave me negative four points no less. (Also, it’s not a sentence you’d expect to say because the breakfast part is confusing. Obviously Count Chocula is a breakfast guy, but in general I think most vampires prefer to dine in the dark, spooky hours of the morning).

If this all sounds a little confusing, perhaps it’s because you don’t know what a Vampire league is and need to first consult the Week 1 edition of The Vampire (Football) Diaries before plowing ahead.

Getting back on track, the three Vampire leagues I created could not have gotten off to a more thrilling start last week with my Count Chocula team unexpectedly putting the league on notice. And it wasn’t just my Vampire team that got to eat, either. Shockingly, in three leagues the Vampires went 2-1, with me stealing Zeke and another bloodsucker claiming Kareem Hunt. While my team was led by James Conner, Randall Cobb and Quincy Enunwa, another Vampire was led by Cobb as well with Alex Smith, Isaiah Crowell and Kenny Golladay all putting in work.

And in the one league in which the Vampire didn’t win, my stacked roster managed to top the league in scoring despite Fournette’s injury. Starting your draft off with Alvin Kamara, Fournette, Joe Mixon and Tyreek Hill will do that.

But as you can probably infer from picks two and three in that league, a great start might end in misery.

For as awesome as the three leagues got started, they look like they may very quickly go south. Let’s start with a quick look at my third team and save the best (Count Chocula) for last.

This team also won but finished sixth in scoring for the week (10 team league). The roster is generally quite strong with a nice blend of safe studs and high-upside youngsters, so I think it can get better. But Fournette is far and away the most established running back and Josh Gordon is back to doing Josh Gordon things, so the immediate future is murky.

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That story is pretty tame though compared to the other leagues this week. Let’s get to the good stuff.

Here’s where the week could get crushing. The aforementioned stacked roster that dominated in Week 1 by outscoring the 2nd highest-scoring team by 11 points is facing the league’s Vampire, Blade. And after just one game it’s in serious trouble of Blade’s love bite putting it to rest.

Fournette may not suit up and even if he does, he’s too risky. I’ve designated him my protected player and as such have to bench him even if he’s active for Jacksonville. Kamara, Hill and the golden-armed gunslinger I failed to mention earlier, Patrick Mahomes, could save my week, but let’s recap the cause for a terrifying Sunday. As stated, I also have Mixon. Not only will I no longer have him for the next 2-4 weeks due to his knee injury, but John Brown outscored him on Thursday night by exactly eight points. For anyone interested, here’s the full starting rosters for each team.

Van Helsing (your hero, yours truly) – 9.2

QB – Patrick Mahomes
RB – Alvin Kamara
RB – Joe Mixon
WR – Tyreek Hill
WR – Allen Robinson
TE – Jimmy Graham
Flex – Cooper Kupp
Flex – Golden Tate
DEF – Jacksonville
K – Harrison Butker

Blade – 17.2

QB – Alex Smith
RB – James Conner
RB – Alfred Morris
WR – John Brown
WR – Ted Ginn
TE – Jared Cook
Flex – Quincy Enunwa
Flex – Nelson Agholor
DEF – Chicago
K – Brandon McManus

Sure, on paper I look like I should easily be safe. But if Conner matches Kamara like he did last week and Mahomes and Hill come back down to Earth, I’m in big, big trouble. It could equal me entering Week 3 without any of my first three picks after the Vampire snacks on my Kamara. If this comes down to the Bears D versus Robinson on Monday Night Football, I will not be getting much sleep Sunday night.

As much as that sucks, I suppose it’s the whole point of this wacky and intense concept. Vampires can strike at any time and rip the soul right from you. I may have the blood drained from my best fantasy roster before the season’s even warm. It’s awesome and terrifying all at the same time.

Which leads me to Count Chocula.

After getting a win about 4-5 weeks earlier than I expected to, I’ve never been more excited to see what a fantasy team can do. With Zeke doing my hunting I think my Count Chocula team can become a juggernaut that kills its way to a title.

But before that it looks like my Vampire has stumbled into some daylight in Week 2. A.J. Green went all “I Am Freaking Legend” on me Thursday night, single-handedly sinking me into a huge hole. With my opponent benching David Johnson to protect him, here’s how the two rosters look:

Count Chocula – 0.0

QB – Jimmy Garoppolo
RB – Ezekiel Elliott
RB – James Conner
WR – Randall Cobb
WR – Tyler Lockett
TE – George Kittle
Flex – Alfred Morris
Flex – Austin Ekeler
DEF – Denver
K – Aldrick Rosas


Quincy Enunwa
Jordan Wilkins
Anthony Miller
Devante Parker
Brandon Marshall
David Njoku

NightStalkers (the villain) – 37.9

QB – Nick Foles
RB – Dalvin Cook
RB – Alex Collins
WR – A.J. Green
WR – Demaryius Thomas
TE – Jimmy Graham
Flex – Kenyan Drake
Flex – Marvin Jones
DEF – Los Angeles Rams
K – Robbie Gould

Zeke and Conner with my Niners could make things interesting, but my hopes are low for another victim. I may make a game-time switch and swap Morris for Enunwa, but feel like the big back is going to have a few shots at a score. Plus, with Jermaine Kearse coming back for the Jets it’s no guarantee Enunwa dominates targets the way he did Week 1. Either way, despite the much bigger deficit to overcome, I’m feeling far more optimistic about winning as the Vampire than beating one.