What follows was written by a computer.
An incredibly handsome computer with an Italian surname.
• Jason Heyward entered play today with this batting line: .276/.392/.553. Also, he went 3-for-4 today with a double and a homer and a walk. Here's what my Southern aunt would say about that: "Shoo-oot!" #CrackBaseballAnalysis
• Shin-Soo Choo jacked a couple dongers en route to a 3-for-4 performance.
• Cole Hamels kinda brought it tonight: 7 IP, 8 K, 1 BB.
• In addition to being among the league's leaders in beard-having, Jayson Werth is also pretty good at playing baseball. For example, he went 2-for-4 today with his ninth homer.
• Hisanori Takahashi, which name you're invited to say five times fast, made his fist ML start. He recorded 5 K and only 1 BB in 6 IP, allowing no runs.
• Jose Guillen hit his 10th and 11th homers tonight while going 2-for-2 with a walk at Colorado. Luckily, the fact that I'm speechless doesn't impair my ability to compose the present document.
• Felipe Lopez hit a triple and home run today while playing short and batting leadoff. Here's how much he's making this season: about $1 million.
• Brandon Morrow is perhaps one of the few pitchers in the majors who could tell a batter, "I'm about to throw a slider," and the batter STILL wouldn't hit it. That's not to say he's a great pitcher – he's not, yet – but he certainly has STUFF.
• Dan Haren, pitching in the same game as Morrow, had 8 Ks and 0 BBs in 8 IP. Curiously, he have up 4 HRs. That's alot – probably more than he'll give up in any one game for two years or whatever. Also, they were all of the solo variety.
• Edwin Encarnacion had 3 HRs today. Like Davy Jones of The Monkees, I too am a believer.
• Someone named Mike Sweeney went 4-for-6 with 2 HRs and 6 RBIs for the Seattle Mariners tonight. Is this a rookie or something? Because, I mean, I know for a fact that it can't be the guy who used to play for Kansas City. No way he could still be around!
• Cliff Lee allowed 25 balls in play tonight and 11 of them went for hits. That's bad luck. What's NOT bad luck is how he had 7 Ks and 0 BBs. Lee's K:BB now for the season is 32:1. Ooosh.
• Tim Hudson's performance tonight is a microcosm of his season. Tonight, he allowed 0 R and 3 H over 8 IP, but only recorded a 3:4 K:BB. For the season, he now has an impressive 2.09 ERA in 60.1 IP, but his xFIP entering play was 4.41. His over 60|PERCENT| groundball rate will keep him from failing too hard, but sriking out only four per nine is no good.
• I think Javier Vazquez is a legitimately good pitcher. And today he pitched like it, posting a line of 6 IP, 6 K, 2 BB, and only a single hit. Here's the thing: his Yankee tenure – both this one and the last one – are effed. That's right, I said it: effed!
• A tweet from Friend of RotoWire, Jonah Keri: #Astros lineup's OBPs: .366 .326 .333 .239 .263 .241 .255 .059
• Dave Bush allowed 7 ER in 0.1 IP. If I could make a frowny face emoticon with this keyboard, I'd do it right now.
• Yes, Austin Jackson went 2-for-4 tonight. But he also struck out two more times, meaning he was 2-for-2 in balls in play. Trading him now is one of the good ideas you've had.
• Elvis Andrus (16 & 17), Michael Bourn (15), Rajai Davis (14), Carl Crawford (11), Drew Stubbs (9), Ben Zobrist (9), Shane Victorino (8), Joey Votto (5 & 6), Torii Hunter (5), Corey Patterson (3), Michael Young (2).
• Francisco Cordero, converted. He got a K in one inning with the Reds up 7-4.
• Alfredo Simon, converted. Allowed a hit. Uneventful otherwise.
• Mariano Rivera, converted. That said, he gave up the Mets' only run of the night.
• Neftali Feliz, converted. No Ks; no nothing else, either. He's got a 23:4 K:BB. Booyah!
• Matt Lindstrom, converted. That's his 10th save, people. Also, he had a 3.10 xFIP entering play today. Yeah, it's only 18.1 IP, but waddaya want from me?!?
• Chad Qualls, converted. He only pitched 0.1 IP. Big whoop.
• Jonathan Broxton, converted. With 3 Ks. He kinda looks like one of the big kids playing with the kindergarteners.
Other Closer Outings
• Kerry Wood pitched the ninth inning with the Indians down 4-6, allowing a homer. Also recorded 2 Ks.
• Carlos Zambrano both (a) pumped his fists a whole bunch and (b) pitched 1.1 IP of scoreless relief.
• Sergio Santos has another 2 Ks tonight in a single inning. Try not to cheer for him: I dare ye!
• Juan Gutierrez gave up 2 HRs in 0.2 IP. That's NOT an awesome ratio.
• The Mets batted Alex Cora second today because they hate lineup optimization.
• Ronnie Belliard played first base and batted second tonight. This is very likely because the Dodgers were facing a lefty.
The Young and Potentially Restless
• Drew Storen pitched an inning in relief – his third MLB apperance – and allowed 1 R on 1 H and 1 BB while recording 1 K. In other news, his favorite food is from Pizzeria Uno.
• Kevin Russo got his first start and first major league hit today, playing left field for the New York Yankees. Also, he hit a double. Also, apparently he's not from the TV show Blossom. Who knew?!?
• John Jaso had two more walks while playing catcher for the Rays today. That's now 14 in 57 ABs versus only 6 Ks.
• Minnesota Twin Trevor Plouffe made his MLB debut tonight, starting at shortstop versus Milwaukee. He was batting .303/.367/.493 at Triple-A Rochester and went 2-for-5 tonight with a doub-piece.