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Snarky 150: Overall Rankings List

Chris Liss

Chris Liss is RotoWire's Managing Editor and Host of RotoWIre Fantasy Sports Today on Sirius XM radio.

This is an overall list as of July 30, 2012. Rankings are real, but comments while meant to offend in some cases, are not to be taken seriously.

Warning: many if not most are stupid.

Assume 12-14 team league with standard scoring.

Rank Player Pos Team Comment
1 Arian Foster RB HOU Not a member of the Aryan Nation
2 LeSean McCoy RB PHI Despises the Hatfields
3 Ray Rice RB BAL Tall, slim version of MJD
4 Calvin Johnson WR DET Possibly not human; risk of disqualification
5 Aaron Rodgers QB GB State Farm ads not his finest hour
6 Ryan Mathews RB SD Missing a "t"
7 Trent Richardson RB CLE Expect 500-600 carries, given Browns passing game
8 Chris Johnson RB TEN Cost this year's free agent RBs millions
9 Tom Brady QB NE Eli Manning's bitch
10 Drew Brees QB NO Even Ryan Fitzpatrick had an easier time getting his payday
11 Maurice Jones-Drew RB JAC Overdrafts himself every year
12 A.J. Green WR CIN Strange to see top talent on the Bengals
13 Darren McFadden RB OAK Hamstrings are like the guy in "The Meaning of Life" before he ate the mint
14 Larry Fitzgerald WR ARZ And Gerald fits Larry
15 Cam Newton QB CAR Descended from Sir Isaac
16 Victor Cruz WR NYG Rejected "Dancing with the Stars" in show of good taste
17 Greg Jennings WR GB Nephew of former Giants punter Dave Jennings
18 Andre Johnson WR HOU Future in MMA after Cortland Finnegan episode
19 DeMarco Murray RB DAL Poor man's Felix Jones
20 Julio Jones WR ATL Real name is Quintorris
21 Jimmy Graham TE NO Not a "cracker"
22 Adrian Peterson RB MIN How many cops did it take to bring him down? More than Johnny Rambo in First Blood
23 Jamaal Charles RB KC Todd Haley will telepathically reduce his usage from Pittsburgh
24 Hakeem Nicks WR NYG Aptly named given propensity for nagging injuries
25 Rob Gronkowski TE NE O/U in Vegas is 11.5 TDs and 1.5 STDs
26 Matt Forte RB CHI Scoring TDs not his forte
27 Ahmad Bradshaw RB NYG Considering prosthetic feet this year
28 Doug Martin RB TB Should smoke Blount in camp
29 Michael Turner RB ATL The Churner at this point
30 Brandon Marshall WR CHI Marginally saner than his wife
31 Percy Harvin WR MIN Headache figuring out what to say about him
32 Miles Austin WR DAL Rare player with hybrid first/last names
33 Marques Colston WR NO Boringly consistent in league's most exciting offense
34 Roddy White WR ATL Give him 300 targets, and he'll be a top-5 WR
35 Wes Welker WR NE Pats too smart to pay white WR in his 30s even if he catches 200 balls a year
36 Dez Bryant WR DAL Doesn't take crap from his mom
37 Frank Gore RB SF Old warhorse on his last legs; otherwise why bring in 12 RBs?
38 Mike Wallace WR PIT Plays all "60 Minutes"
39 Steven Jackson RB STL What a waste of a great career on the Rams
40 Marshawn Lynch RB SEA Get a cab
41 Matthew Stafford QB DET Downgrade if Lions call occasional running play
42 Fred Jackson RB BUF Much older than you think
43 Jordy Nelson WR GB "Deceptive speed"
44 Jeremy Maclin WR PHI Seems to be over ebola virus
45 Antonio Brown WR PIT Roethlisberger's new wing man
46 Demaryius Thomas WR DEN Unfortunately he'll now need to run a route
47 Steve Smith WR CAR So angry he defies the aging process
48 Vincent Jackson WR TB Overpaid
49 Beanie Wells RB ARZ "Beanie" means "lacks knee cartilage"
50 Dwayne Bowe WR KC Third-tier star balking at $9.4 million tender
51 Isaac Redman RB PIT Should look to endorse Red Man tobacco and chew it while he runs
52 Philip Rivers QB SD Like Ryan Mathews, missing a consonant in his name
53 Reggie Bush RB MIA Apparently anyone can handle a full workload
54 Michael Vick QB PHI Switching to chickens
55 C.J. Spiller RB BUF Can't be trusted with a secret
56 DeSean Jackson WR PHI Bump up if classless showboating is a category in your league
57 Steve Johnson WR BUF "I praise you 24/7!!! And this how you do me!!!"
58 Torrey Smith WR BAL Only receiver in Ravens history with any speed
59 Antonio Gates TE SD Probably time for a prosthetic foot
60 Aaron Hernandez TE NE Hoping to land porn star of his own
61 Eli Manning QB NYG Peyton thinks he's overrated after second SB win
62 James Starks RB GB The NFL's answer to John Starks
63 Shonn Greene RB NYJ Will backup Tim Tebow at fullback
64 Willis McGahee RB DEN Has to be in his early 40s at this point
65 Jason Witten TE DAL Wasting his career on the Cowboys; "deceptive speed"
66 Roy Helu RB WAS Tough to evaluate when coach has gone insane
67 Darren Sproles RB NO Best player in NFL history under five-feet tall
68 Peyton Manning QB DEN Must improve peripheral vision since he can no longer turn his head
69 Mark Ingram RB NO Set rookie RBs back two rounds
70 Santonio Holmes WR NYJ When Tebow gets rest of Jets believing, Holmes will still pout
71 Brandon Lloyd WR NE Wasted half a career
72 Stevan Ridley RB NE One of the many creative permutations of "Steven"
73 Michael Crabtree WR SF In danger of proving he (and not DHB) was the real reach, vindicating Al Davis from BTG
74 Pierre Garcon WR WAS Second all-time in guaranteed money divded by production (JaMarcus Russell)
75 Jonathan Stewart RB CAR Looks way different on The Daily Show without his helmet on
76 Tony Romo QB DAL Can be counted on for a disastrous, season-ruining error at some point
77 Matt Ryan QB ATL Vanilla Ice
78 Reggie Wayne WR IND Seems like a good guy, but so did Marvin Harrison before the shooting incidents
79 Malcom Floyd WR SD Never healthy long enough to evaluate
80 Benjarvus Green-Ellis RB CIN Only skill is ball security
81 Ben Tate RB HOU Comes with Arian Foster voodoo doll
82 Vernon Davis TE SF Cries more than TO in the playoffs
83 Darrius Heyward-Bey WR OAK Next receiver will be pulled over on suspicion of DHB
84 Sidney Rice WR SEA Only person on the planet that misses Favre
85 Denarius Moore WR OAK Sometimes Moore is less
86 Robert Meachem WR SD Used to play shortstop for the Yanks in the '80s
87 Donald Brown RB IND Hard to believe, but he was good last year
88 DeAngelo Williams RB CAR The NFL's Ferrari; costs a fortune, used only occasionally
89 Robert Griffin QB WAS Not yet worthy of an acronym
90 Fred Davis TE WAS Can't even enjoy a bong hit during the lockout in Goodell era
91 Nate Washington WR TEN A bigger factor than he ought to be thanks to Britt's inability to obey the law
92 Kevin Smith RB DET "Clerks" director remarkably tan and slimmed down
93 Ryan Williams RB ARZ In the mix for hobbled feature back role in AZ
94 Michael Bush RB CHI Reggie's dad
95 David Wilson RB NYG So good, his name is on every football
96 Toby Gerhart RB MIN "Deceptive speed"
97 Eric Decker WR DEN "Deceptive speed"
98 Jermichael Finley TE GB Simply can't catch
99 Randy Moss WR SF Hopes to play for fewer teams this year
100 Jahvid Best RB DET Concussed himself into a parallel universe
101 Kenny Britt WR TEN Exploratory surgery on his ACL revealed blood alcohol content of .25
102 Justin Blackmon WR JAC Set the tone early that a certain level of partying is to be expected
103 Vincent Brown WR SD Chargers were deep in Vincents so they let Jackson go
104 Anquan Boldin WR BAL Slower than the average man, tougher than the average lion
105 Greg Little WR CLE Not little. Also not good.
106 Ronnie Hillman RB DEN Will never see the field again once he fails to pick up a blitzer
107 Ben Roethlisberger QB PIT Missing link to our ancestors; Cro-Magnon skull survived crash into windshield
108 Shane Vereen RB NE Ben's nephew
109 Doug Baldwin WR SEA NFL's answer to Stephen Baldwin
110 Brandon Pettigrew TE DET Brandon Pedigree hasn't yet lived up to it
111 Lance Moore WR NO Sometimes less is Moore
112 Michael Floyd WR ARZ Poor man's Mike Williams (USC)
113 Pierre Thomas RB NO Never trust a RB with a French first name
114 Jermaine Gresham TE CIN Marginally germane last year
115 Mike Goodson RB OAK Underappreciated by his parents
116 Felix Jones RB DAL Finally comes without the false hype
117 Evan Royster RB WAS Coach is insane, so who knows; possibly related to Jerry Royster
118 Peyton Hillis RB KC Briefly was the highest-drafted Peyton in NFL
119 Isaiah Pead RB STL The NFL's answer to Mike Leake
120 Daniel Thomas RB MIA Made Reggie Bush look reliable as an every-down back
121 Mike Williams WR TB George Clooney will play him in sequel to "Michael Clayton"
122 Austin Collie WR IND Concussed himself into the 4th dimension
123 Brian Hartline WR MIA Brian Flatline
124 Randall Cobb WR GB Would lose a fight against Randall "Tex" Cobb
125 Titus Young WR DET Maturity level more tragic than "Titus Andronicus"
126 Jared Cook TE TEN Punctuates long stretches of nothing with occasional monster game
127 Brent Celek TE PHI "Deceptive speed"
128 Tim Hightower RB WAS Always taking carries from someone better; poor man's Thomas Jones
129 Mikel Leshoure RB DET Enjoys getting high
130 Alex Green RB GB Ability to handle massive workload in doubt
131 Tony Gonzalez TE ATL Fought in World War I
132 Carson Palmer QB OAK Misses his couch
133 Owen Daniels TE HOU "Deceptive speed"
134 Jay Cutler QB CHI Always pissed off
135 Laurent Robinson WR JAC Never trust a WR with a French first name
136 Jacoby Ford WR OAK As explosive as a Pinto when healthy
137 Earl Bennett WR CHI Cutler's caddy
138 Rueben Randle WR NYG Has a sandwich named after him at many delis
139 Matt Schaub QB HOU Too boring for a comment
140 Brian Quick WR STL More aptly named than Greg Little
141 Jonathan Baldwin WR KC Poor man's Stephen Baldwin
142 Andrew Luck QB IND Not sure if Luck is sustainable
143 Bernard Scott RB CIN One of several Bengals who hasn't been in jail
144 LeGarrette Blount RB TEN Popped some dude in the face in college
145 Tim Tebow QB NYJ Jesus with muscles
146 Steve Breaston WR KC Is actually an ass man
147 Dustin Keller TE NYJ Helen's grandson
148 Santana Moss WR WAS Two last names
149 Kellen Winslow TE SEA Just happy he survived Cleveland hot tub
150 Coby Fleener TE IND Luck's caddy