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Snarky 150: Overall Rankings with Obnoxious Commentary

Chris Liss

Chris Liss is RotoWire's Managing Editor and Host of RotoWIre Fantasy Sports Today on Sirius XM radio.

This is an overall list for standard 12-team leagues as of August 23, 2013. Rankings are real, but comments, while meant to offend in some cases, are not to be taken seriously.

Warning: many if not most are stupid.

Rank Player Pos Team Comment
1 Adrian Peterson RB MIN Had bionic ACL illegally installed
2 Doug Martin RB TB Should beat out Peyton Hillis
3 Jamaal Charles RB KC Carted off practice field for incredibly minor injury
4 C.J. Spiller RB BUF Can't be trusted with a secret
5 Trent Richardson RB CLE No one else makes 3.6 YPC look so good
6 Calvin Johnson WR DET Specializes in catches at the one-yard line
7 Arian Foster RB HOU Should be just fine after 405 carries (including playoffs) last year
8 Ray Rice RB BAL Tall, slim version of MJD
9 LeSean McCoy RB PHI Despises Hatfields
10 Dez Bryant WR DAL Didn't deck his mom this year
11 Maurice Jones-Drew RB JAC Not tall enough to punch bouncer in the face
12 Alfred Morris RB WAS Set football back 30 years
13 Marshawn Lynch RB SEA Trouble-free offseason could upset routine
14 A.J. Green WR CIN Odd to see top talent on the Bengals
15 Demaryius Thomas WR DEN Imagine how good he'd be if Peyton could turn his head
16 Julio Jones WR ATL Only Falcons skill player under 40
17 Chris Johnson RB HOU Uniquely capable of horrible games
18 Matt Forte RB CHI Scoring is not his Forte
19 Brandon Marshall WR CHI Anyone can produce on 195 targets
20 Jimmy Graham TE NO Not a cracker
21 Steven Jackson RB ATL Freed from St. Louis but probably too late
22 Stevan Ridley RB NE One of the many creative permutations of "Steven"
23 DeMarco Murray RB DAL Taking the McFadden career path
24 Larry Fitzgerald WR ARZ And Gerald fits Larry
25 Roddy White WR ATL Only player as boring as Matt Ryan
26 Andre Johnson WR HOU Would it kill him to score 10 TDs one year?
27 Aaron Rodgers QB GB Dumb enough to trust Ryan Braun
28 Darren McFadden RB OAK O/U on career 16-game seasons is zero
29 David Wilson RB NYG Sucks that blocking is part of the job
30 Dwayne Bowe WR KC Likely not sorry to see Cassel/Crennel era end
31 Cam Newton QB CAR Should have bodyslammed kid in commercial
32 Drew Brees QB NO His Pepsi commercials are low-point for Western civilization
33 Frank Gore RB SF Name describes slasher flick that gets to the point
34 Reggie Bush RB DET Poor man's Darren Sproles
35 Torrey Smith WR BAL Should see 250 targets given Joe Flacco's other options
36 Hakeem Nicks WR NYG Aptly named, given his propensity for nagging injuries
37 Vincent Jackson WR TB Had foresight to abandon sinking ship in SD
38 Randall Cobb WR GB Would get his ass kicked by Randall "Tex" Cobb
39 Rob Gronkowski TE NE Back surgery limits "repertoire"; could cost him off-field reps
40 Victor Cruz WR NYG Stop dancing and catch the ball this year
41 Jordy Nelson WR GB Deceptive speed
42 Ryan Mathews RB SD So injury-prone, committee news in SD doesn't drop his stock
43 Eddie Lacy RB GB Candidate to replace Brian Bulaga at LT
44 Lamar Miller RB MIA Beating out D.Thomas is NFL's lowest bar to clear
45 Ahmad Bradshaw RB NYG 70 percent of his feet now comprised of screws and plates
46 Danny Amendola WR NE Fills "small white guy" slot so crucial to NE's offense
47 Montee Ball RB DEN Formerly hosted "Let's Make a Deal"
48 Marques Colston WR NO Horrible numbers for No. 1 WR in most prolific offense of all time
49 Peyton Manning QB DEN Maybe we should all get spinal fusion
50 Mike Wallace WR MIA Corpse of former 60 minutes anchor surprisingly fast
51 Rashard Mendenhall RB ARZ Playing out the string in AZ like E. James and E. Smith, only w/o career achievements
52 Daryl Richardson RB STL If he's a bust, you can chant "Daryl" at your draft next year
53 Shane Vereen RB NE Disposed of the body
54 Cecil Shorts WR JAC Name describes what he'd do if forced to invest in his quarterbacks
55 Andrew Luck QB IND Aptly named given team's negative point differential and playoff appearance
56 Vernon Davis TE SF Saved for special occasions
57 Tom Brady QB NE Ordered the hit
58 Matt Ryan QB ATL Vanilla Ice has won a playoff game
59 Mike Williams QB TB Happy he's neither Michael Clayton nor the other Mike Williams
60 Giovani Bernard RB CIN Never trust a man with two first names, especially if one is Italian, and he's not
61 Eric Decker QB DEN Deceptive speed
62 Andre Brown RB NYG Can do everything except stay healthy
63 Matthew Stafford QB DET Needs 700 attempts to be useful.
64 Colin Kaepernick QB SF Only player with more tattoos than Aaron Hernandez
65 Pierre Garcon WR WAS Players with French names can't stay healthy (see Thomas, Pierre)
66 DeSean Jackson WR PHI Only NFL player who weighs less than 100 pounds
67 Josh Gordon WR CLE Enjoying the NFL's substance abuse program
68 Steve Johnson WR BUF Excited to be playing with Kevin Kolb this year
69 Tony Romo QB DAL Can be counted on for a disastrous, season-ruining error at some point
70 Russell Wilson QB SEA Best rookie QB season for a dwarf in NFL history
71 Antonio Brown WR PIT Smaller, slower version of Mike Wallace
72 Robert Griffin QB WAS Pretty clear his coach is not thinking long-term about his health
73 Mark Ingram RB NO Much better in leagues that don't count yards
74 DeAngelo Williams RB CAR The NFL's Ferrari; costs a fortune, used only occasionally
75 Steve Smith WR CAR So enraged he defies the aging process
76 Wes Welker WR DEN Deceptive speed
77 Kenny Britt WR TEN Any day he's not injured or in jail is a win
78 Tony Gonzalez TE ATL Fought in the War of 1812
79 Jason Witten TE DAL Deceptive speed, allergic to red-zone paint
80 BenJarvus Green-Ellis RB CIN Good at everything except efficient forward progress
81 James Jones WR GB Lucky scrub who Rodgers looks for in the red zone
82 Anquan Boldin WR SF Was slow 10 years ago
83 Reggie Wayne WR IND The average man would have done better with that many targets
84 Tavon Austin WR STL Has future as a jockey if NFL career doesn't pan out
85 Ben Tate RB HOU Can be counted on to get hurt if he ever gets the job
86 Darren Sproles RB NO See Austin, Tavon
87 Chris Ivory RB NO Jets need to sign a white guy named Chris Ebony
88 Eli Manning QB NYG Tom Brady's owner
89 T.Y. Hilton WR IND Aghast at what Paris has done to the family name
90 Rueben Randle WR NYG Flattered to learn sandwiches named after him
91 Lance Moore WR NO Sometimes less is Moore
92 Denarius Moore WR OAK Sometimes Moore is less
93 Bernard Pierce RB BAL No idea what to say about this guy
94 Bryce Brown RB PHI The real McCoy, except he can't hold onto the ball
95 Stepfan Taylor RB ARZ Yet another interesting permuation of Stephen
96 Greg Jennings WR MIN Worst QB downgrade in NFL history
97 Chris Givens WR STL Givens taketh away targets from Brian Quick
98 Miles Austin WR DAL Hamstrings have meters, not miles left in them
99 Greg Olsen TE CAR Amazing transition from MLB closer to NFL tight end
100 Kenbrell Thompkins WR NE Who the hell is that?
101 Sidney Rice WR SEA Flew 14 hours to Switzerland from Seattle for knee treatment, but of course, it's nothing serious
102 Michael Floyd WR ARZ Team's neglect of No. 13 overall pick in rookie year was positively C.J. Spiller-esque
103 Jared Cook TE STL Perennial sleeper who never wakes up
104 Emmanuel Sanders WR PIT Only slightly bigger than Emmanuel Lewis
105 Vincent Brown WR SD One of many fragile Chargers receivers
106 Alshon Jeffery WR CHI Wishes Brandon Marshall would stop hogging the targets
107 Mikel Leshoure RB DET Too high to be full time back
108 Justin Blackmon WR JAC Could he be more of a degenerate?
109 Golden Tate WR SEA Could lose his job to Platinum Tate
110 Darrius Heyward-Bey WR IND Resurrected season after Steelers game
111 Ryan Broyles WR DET If he had a third ACL, he would tear that one too
112 Knile Davis RB KC Hasn't played since junior high
113 Antonio Gates TE SD Ready for assisted living
114 Christine Michael RB SEA Parents obviously wanted to toughen him up
115 Daniel Thomas RB MIA 2013 could be first year he cracks 3.7 YPC
116 Nick Toon WR NO The Luke Walton of the NFL
117 Rod Streater WR OAK Also his porn star name
118 Jermichael Finley TE GB If only he could stay healthy and catch
119 Kyle Rudolph TE MIN Deceptive speed
120 Coby Fleener TE IND Deceptive speed
121 Jacquizz Rodgers RB ATL Most valuable name in NFL scrabble
122 Brandon LaFell WR CAR Scared of Steve Smith
123 Mohamed Sanu WR CIN When he takes roids, he becomes Insanu
124 Michael Bush RB OAK Reggie's uncle
125 Pierre Thomas RB NO Backs with French names never hold up
126 Knowshon Moreno RB DEN Plodding, injury-prone back but he can block!
127 Le'Veon Bell RB PIT Is reading the diary of Liz Frank
128 DuJuan Harris RB GB Pack llked him so much they drafted two running backs this year
129 Fred Jackson RB BUF Turns 45 in October
130 DeAndre Hopkins WR HOU Could be good if DeAndre Johnson gets hurt
131 Vick Ballard RB iND So mediocre team signed a player with prosthetic feet
132 Ronnie Hillman RB DEN So disrespected no one takes seriously his placement atop DEN depth chart
133 Riley Cooper WR PHI Caught on video attending a Kenny Chesney concert
134 Brian Hartline WR MIA Hartline doesn't seem to care for the goal line
135 Michael Vick QB PHI Still top dog in Philly
136 Bilal Powell RB NYJ Encouraged Mike Goodson to drive with drugs and weapons
137 Isaiah Pead RB STL NFL's answer to Mike Leake
138 Rashad Jennings RB OAK Only on this list because Darren McFadden's O/U for games is 8.
139 Shonn Greene RB TEN This year's LenDale White
140 Zac Stacy RB STL Never trust a man with two first names, especially when one of them is a girl's name
141 Brandon Myers TE NYG Deceptive speed
142 Santonio Holmes WR NYJ Year to year with a foot injury
143 Alex Smith QB KC Former No. 1 overall pick is still a sleeper in his 8th year
144 Greg Little WR CLE Neither Little, nor good
145 LaMichael James RB SF Poor man's LeBron James
146 Aaron Dobson WR NE Looks bad at camp, but at least he's not in jail
147 Roy Helu RB WAS Last year he was Roy Goodbye
148 Zach Miller TE SEA Deceptive speed
149 Stephen Hill WR NYJ Randy Moss without the football skills
150 Zach Sudfeld TE NE Only Patriot with an alibi