This is an overall list as of July 30, 2012. Rankings are real, but comments while meant to offend in some cases, are not to be taken seriously.
Warning: many if not most are stupid.
Assume 12-14 team league with standard scoring.
| Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
| 1 | Arian Foster | RB | HOU | Not a member of the Aryan Nation |
| 2 | LeSean McCoy | RB | PHI | Despises the Hatfields |
| 3 | Ray Rice | RB | BAL | Tall, slim version of MJD |
| 4 | Calvin Johnson | WR | DET | Possibly not human; risk of disqualification |
| 5 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | State Farm ads not his finest hour |
| 6 | Ryan Mathews | RB | SD | Missing a "t" |
| 7 | Trent Richardson | RB | CLE | Expect 500-600 carries, given Browns passing game |
| 8 | Chris Johnson | RB | TEN | Cost this year's free agent RBs millions |
| 9 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Eli Manning's bitch |
| 10 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | Even Ryan Fitzpatrick had an easier time getting his payday |
| 11 | Maurice Jones-Drew | RB | JAC | Overdrafts himself every year |
| 12 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Strange to see top talent on the Bengals |
| 13 | Darren McFadden | RB | OAK | Hamstrings are like the guy in "The Meaning of Life" before he ate the mint |
| 14 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARZ | And Gerald fits Larry |
| 15 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Descended from Sir Isaac |
| 16 | Victor Cruz | WR | NYG | Rejected "Dancing with the Stars" in show of good taste |
| 17 | Greg Jennings | WR | GB | Nephew of former Giants punter Dave Jennings |
| 18 | Andre Johnson | WR | HOU | Future in |
This is an overall list as of July 30, 2012. Rankings are real, but comments while meant to offend in some cases, are not to be taken seriously.
Warning: many if not most are stupid.
Assume 12-14 team league with standard scoring.
| Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
| 1 | Arian Foster | RB | HOU | Not a member of the Aryan Nation |
| 2 | LeSean McCoy | RB | PHI | Despises the Hatfields |
| 3 | Ray Rice | RB | BAL | Tall, slim version of MJD |
| 4 | Calvin Johnson | WR | DET | Possibly not human; risk of disqualification |
| 5 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | State Farm ads not his finest hour |
| 6 | Ryan Mathews | RB | SD | Missing a "t" |
| 7 | Trent Richardson | RB | CLE | Expect 500-600 carries, given Browns passing game |
| 8 | Chris Johnson | RB | TEN | Cost this year's free agent RBs millions |
| 9 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Eli Manning's bitch |
| 10 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | Even Ryan Fitzpatrick had an easier time getting his payday |
| 11 | Maurice Jones-Drew | RB | JAC | Overdrafts himself every year |
| 12 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Strange to see top talent on the Bengals |
| 13 | Darren McFadden | RB | OAK | Hamstrings are like the guy in "The Meaning of Life" before he ate the mint |
| 14 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARZ | And Gerald fits Larry |
| 15 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Descended from Sir Isaac |
| 16 | Victor Cruz | WR | NYG | Rejected "Dancing with the Stars" in show of good taste |
| 17 | Greg Jennings | WR | GB | Nephew of former Giants punter Dave Jennings |
| 18 | Andre Johnson | WR | HOU | Future in MMA after Cortland Finnegan episode |
| 19 | DeMarco Murray | RB | DAL | Poor man's Felix Jones |
| 20 | Julio Jones | WR | ATL | Real name is Quintorris |
| 21 | Jimmy Graham | TE | NO | Not a "cracker" |
| 22 | Adrian Peterson | RB | MIN | How many cops did it take to bring him down? More than Johnny Rambo in First Blood |
| 23 | Jamaal Charles | RB | KC | Todd Haley will telepathically reduce his usage from Pittsburgh |
| 24 | Hakeem Nicks | WR | NYG | Aptly named given propensity for nagging injuries |
| 25 | Rob Gronkowski | TE | NE | O/U in Vegas is 11.5 TDs and 1.5 STDs |
| 26 | Matt Forte | RB | CHI | Scoring TDs not his forte |
| 27 | Ahmad Bradshaw | RB | NYG | Considering prosthetic feet this year |
| 28 | Doug Martin | RB | TB | Should smoke Blount in camp |
| 29 | Michael Turner | RB | ATL | The Churner at this point |
| 30 | Brandon Marshall | WR | CHI | Marginally saner than his wife |
| 31 | Percy Harvin | WR | MIN | Headache figuring out what to say about him |
| 32 | Miles Austin | WR | DAL | Rare player with hybrid first/last names |
| 33 | Marques Colston | WR | NO | Boringly consistent in league's most exciting offense |
| 34 | Roddy White | WR | ATL | Give him 300 targets, and he'll be a top-5 WR |
| 35 | Wes Welker | WR | NE | Pats too smart to pay white WR in his 30s even if he catches 200 balls a year |
| 36 | Dez Bryant | WR | DAL | Doesn't take crap from his mom |
| 37 | Frank Gore | RB | SF | Old warhorse on his last legs; otherwise why bring in 12 RBs? |
| 38 | Mike Wallace | WR | PIT | Plays all "60 Minutes" |
| 39 | Steven Jackson | RB | STL | What a waste of a great career on the Rams |
| 40 | Marshawn Lynch | RB | SEA | Get a cab |
| 41 | Matthew Stafford | QB | DET | Downgrade if Lions call occasional running play |
| 42 | Fred Jackson | RB | BUF | Much older than you think |
| 43 | Jordy Nelson | WR | GB | "Deceptive speed" |
| 44 | Jeremy Maclin | WR | PHI | Seems to be over ebola virus |
| 45 | Antonio Brown | WR | PIT | Roethlisberger's new wing man |
| 46 | Demaryius Thomas | WR | DEN | Unfortunately he'll now need to run a route |
| 47 | Steve Smith | WR | CAR | So angry he defies the aging process |
| 48 | Vincent Jackson | WR | TB | Overpaid |
| 49 | Beanie Wells | RB | ARZ | "Beanie" means "lacks knee cartilage" |
| 50 | Dwayne Bowe | WR | KC | Third-tier star balking at $9.4 million tender |
| 51 | Isaac Redman | RB | PIT | Should look to endorse Red Man tobacco and chew it while he runs |
| 52 | Philip Rivers | QB | SD | Like Ryan Mathews, missing a consonant in his name |
| 53 | Reggie Bush | RB | MIA | Apparently anyone can handle a full workload |
| 54 | Michael Vick | QB | PHI | Switching to chickens |
| 55 | C.J. Spiller | RB | BUF | Can't be trusted with a secret |
| 56 | DeSean Jackson | WR | PHI | Bump up if classless showboating is a category in your league |
| 57 | Steve Johnson | WR | BUF | "I praise you 24/7!!! And this how you do me!!!" |
| 58 | Torrey Smith | WR | BAL | Only receiver in Ravens history with any speed |
| 59 | Antonio Gates | TE | SD | Probably time for a prosthetic foot |
| 60 | Aaron Hernandez | TE | NE | Hoping to land porn star of his own |
| 61 | Eli Manning | QB | NYG | Peyton thinks he's overrated after second SB win |
| 62 | James Starks | RB | GB | The NFL's answer to John Starks |
| 63 | Shonn Greene | RB | NYJ | Will backup Tim Tebow at fullback |
| 64 | Willis McGahee | RB | DEN | Has to be in his early 40s at this point |
| 65 | Jason Witten | TE | DAL | Wasting his career on the Cowboys; "deceptive speed" |
| 66 | Roy Helu | RB | WAS | Tough to evaluate when coach has gone insane |
| 67 | Darren Sproles | RB | NO | Best player in NFL history under five-feet tall |
| 68 | Peyton Manning | QB | DEN | Must improve peripheral vision since he can no longer turn his head |
| 69 | Mark Ingram | RB | NO | Set rookie RBs back two rounds |
| 70 | Santonio Holmes | WR | NYJ | When Tebow gets rest of Jets believing, Holmes will still pout |
| 71 | Brandon Lloyd | WR | NE | Wasted half a career |
| 72 | Stevan Ridley | RB | NE | One of the many creative permutations of "Steven" |
| 73 | Michael Crabtree | WR | SF | In danger of proving he (and not DHB) was the real reach, vindicating Al Davis from BTG |
| 74 | Pierre Garcon | WR | WAS | Second all-time in guaranteed money divded by production (JaMarcus Russell) |
| 75 | Jonathan Stewart | RB | CAR | Looks way different on The Daily Show without his helmet on |
| 76 | Tony Romo | QB | DAL | Can be counted on for a disastrous, season-ruining error at some point |
| 77 | Matt Ryan | QB | ATL | Vanilla Ice |
| 78 | Reggie Wayne | WR | IND | Seems like a good guy, but so did Marvin Harrison before the shooting incidents |
| 79 | Malcom Floyd | WR | SD | Never healthy long enough to evaluate |
| 80 | Benjarvus Green-Ellis | RB | CIN | Only skill is ball security |
| 81 | Ben Tate | RB | HOU | Comes with Arian Foster voodoo doll |
| 82 | Vernon Davis | TE | SF | Cries more than TO in the playoffs |
| 83 | Darrius Heyward-Bey | WR | OAK | Next receiver will be pulled over on suspicion of DHB |
| 84 | Sidney Rice | WR | SEA | Only person on the planet that misses Favre |
| 85 | Denarius Moore | WR | OAK | Sometimes Moore is less |
| 86 | Robert Meachem | WR | SD | Used to play shortstop for the Yanks in the '80s |
| 87 | Donald Brown | RB | IND | Hard to believe, but he was good last year |
| 88 | DeAngelo Williams | RB | CAR | The NFL's Ferrari; costs a fortune, used only occasionally |
| 89 | Robert Griffin | QB | WAS | Not yet worthy of an acronym |
| 90 | Fred Davis | TE | WAS | Can't even enjoy a bong hit during the lockout in Goodell era |
| 91 | Nate Washington | WR | TEN | A bigger factor than he ought to be thanks to Britt's inability to obey the law |
| 92 | Kevin Smith | RB | DET | "Clerks" director remarkably tan and slimmed down |
| 93 | Ryan Williams | RB | ARZ | In the mix for hobbled feature back role in AZ |
| 94 | Michael Bush | RB | CHI | Reggie's dad |
| 95 | David Wilson | RB | NYG | So good, his name is on every football |
| 96 | Toby Gerhart | RB | MIN | "Deceptive speed" |
| 97 | Eric Decker | WR | DEN | "Deceptive speed" |
| 98 | Jermichael Finley | TE | GB | Simply can't catch |
| 99 | Randy Moss | WR | SF | Hopes to play for fewer teams this year |
| 100 | Jahvid Best | RB | DET | Concussed himself into a parallel universe |
| 101 | Kenny Britt | WR | TEN | Exploratory surgery on his ACL revealed blood alcohol content of .25 |
| 102 | Justin Blackmon | WR | JAC | Set the tone early that a certain level of partying is to be expected |
| 103 | Vincent Brown | WR | SD | Chargers were deep in Vincents so they let Jackson go |
| 104 | Anquan Boldin | WR | BAL | Slower than the average man, tougher than the average lion |
| 105 | Greg Little | WR | CLE | Not little. Also not good. |
| 106 | Ronnie Hillman | RB | DEN | Will never see the field again once he fails to pick up a blitzer |
| 107 | Ben Roethlisberger | QB | PIT | Missing link to our ancestors; Cro-Magnon skull survived crash into windshield |
| 108 | Shane Vereen | RB | NE | Ben's nephew |
| 109 | Doug Baldwin | WR | SEA | NFL's answer to Stephen Baldwin |
| 110 | Brandon Pettigrew | TE | DET | Brandon Pedigree hasn't yet lived up to it |
| 111 | Lance Moore | WR | NO | Sometimes less is Moore |
| 112 | Michael Floyd | WR | ARZ | Poor man's Mike Williams (USC) |
| 113 | Pierre Thomas | RB | NO | Never trust a RB with a French first name |
| 114 | Jermaine Gresham | TE | CIN | Marginally germane last year |
| 115 | Mike Goodson | RB | OAK | Underappreciated by his parents |
| 116 | Felix Jones | RB | DAL | Finally comes without the false hype |
| 117 | Evan Royster | RB | WAS | Coach is insane, so who knows; possibly related to Jerry Royster |
| 118 | Peyton Hillis | RB | KC | Briefly was the highest-drafted Peyton in NFL |
| 119 | Isaiah Pead | RB | STL | The NFL's answer to Mike Leake |
| 120 | Daniel Thomas | RB | MIA | Made Reggie Bush look reliable as an every-down back |
| 121 | Mike Williams | WR | TB | George Clooney will play him in sequel to "Michael Clayton" |
| 122 | Austin Collie | WR | IND | Concussed himself into the 4th dimension |
| 123 | Brian Hartline | WR | MIA | Brian Flatline |
| 124 | Randall Cobb | WR | GB | Would lose a fight against Randall "Tex" Cobb |
| 125 | Titus Young | WR | DET | Maturity level more tragic than "Titus Andronicus" |
| 126 | Jared Cook | TE | TEN | Punctuates long stretches of nothing with occasional monster game |
| 127 | Brent Celek | TE | PHI | "Deceptive speed" |
| 128 | Tim Hightower | RB | WAS | Always taking carries from someone better; poor man's Thomas Jones |
| 129 | Mikel Leshoure | RB | DET | Enjoys getting high |
| 130 | Alex Green | RB | GB | Ability to handle massive workload in doubt |
| 131 | Tony Gonzalez | TE | ATL | Fought in World War I |
| 132 | Carson Palmer | QB | OAK | Misses his couch |
| 133 | Owen Daniels | TE | HOU | "Deceptive speed" |
| 134 | Jay Cutler | QB | CHI | Always pissed off |
| 135 | Laurent Robinson | WR | JAC | Never trust a WR with a French first name |
| 136 | Jacoby Ford | WR | OAK | As explosive as a Pinto when healthy |
| 137 | Earl Bennett | WR | CHI | Cutler's caddy |
| 138 | Rueben Randle | WR | NYG | Has a sandwich named after him at many delis |
| 139 | Matt Schaub | QB | HOU | Too boring for a comment |
| 140 | Brian Quick | WR | STL | More aptly named than Greg Little |
| 141 | Jonathan Baldwin | WR | KC | Poor man's Stephen Baldwin |
| 142 | Andrew Luck | QB | IND | Not sure if Luck is sustainable |
| 143 | Bernard Scott | RB | CIN | One of several Bengals who hasn't been in jail |
| 144 | LeGarrette Blount | RB | TEN | Popped some dude in the face in college |
| 145 | Tim Tebow | QB | NYJ | Jesus with muscles |
| 146 | Steve Breaston | WR | KC | Is actually an ass man |
| 147 | Dustin Keller | TE | NYJ | Helen's grandson |
| 148 | Santana Moss | WR | WAS | Two last names |
| 149 | Kellen Winslow | TE | SEA | Just happy he survived Cleveland hot tub |
| 150 | Coby Fleener | TE | IND | Luck's caddy |
