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Snarky 150: PPR Cheat Sheet with Obnoxious Commentary

Chris Liss

Chris Liss is RotoWire's Managing Editor and Host of RotoWIre Fantasy Sports Today on Sirius XM radio.

This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 12, 2014. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here. Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid.

Rank Player Pos Team Comment
1 LeSean McCoy RB PHI If he gets hurt, those who don't own will have Shadyfreude
2 Jamaal Charles RB KC Risk he slows down after discovering Andy Reid won't eat him
3 Calvin Johnson WR DET Risk of suspension for not being human
4 Demaryius Thomas WR DEN Found God after Broncos brought in Peyton to replace Tebow
5 Dez Bryant WR DAL Getting along better with his mom
6 Matt Forte RB CHI Scoring TDs has never been his forte
7 Eddie Lacy RB GB Half the man he was in last year's preseason photo
8 Julio Jones WR ATL Foot is a ticking time bomb
9 Jimmy Graham TE NO Changed his Twitter description to "quarterback"
10 A.J. Green WR CIN Oscar-worthy performance supporting Dalton's extension
11 Adrian Peterson RB MIN Hoping Calvin Johnson gets busted and not him
12 Brandon Marshall WR CHI Getting along better with his wife
13 Jordy Nelson WR GB Deceptive speed
14 DeMarco Murray RB DAL Better chance of winning Wimbledon than playing 16 games
15 Giovani Bernard RB CIN NFL's Giancarlo Stanton
16 Alshon Jeffery WR CHI Wishes Bears kept Josh McCown instead
17 Le'Veon Bell RB PIT Slow
18 Keenan Allen WR SD Poor man's Keenan McCardell
19 Victor Cruz WR NYG Like getting aboard the Titanic last year
20 Zac Stacy RB STL Never trust a man with two first names, especially when one is a girl's name
21 Andre Ellington RB ARZ Descendant of Duke Ellington
22 Michael Floyd WR ARZ Wishes Larry Fitzgerald would retire already
23 Rob Gronkowski TE NE Poor man's Aaron Hernandez
24 Julius Thomas TE DEN Not even the best Thomas on Denver's starting offense
25 Montee Ball RB DEN If they removed your appendix on Let's Make a Deal, he would be the host
26 Peyton Manning QB DEN Can't win the big one unless it's against Rex Grossman
27 Antonio Brown WR PIT Poor man's Santonio Holmes
28 Randall Cobb WR GB Would lose in a fight to Randall "Tex" Cobb
29 Doug Martin RB TB Lucky foot injury obscured disastrous season he was having
30 C.J. Spiller RB BUF Insulted he has to split carries with 33-year old
31 Andre Johnson WR HOU Regrets reporting to camp after seeing his QB
32 Aaron Rodgers QB GB Really really likes women
33 Drew Brees QB NO Cried every day at sleepaway camp as a kid
34 Vincent Jackson WR TB Upset he has to compete for targets with his clone
35 Marshawn Lynch RB SEA Forgot to turn off beast mode in the suburbs last weekend
36 Arian Foster RB HOU Could retire after Week 6
37 Roddy White WR ATL Drawing a blank. Too boring to snark on.
38 Pierre Garcon WR WAS Waiter, bring me some garbage PPR points
39 Larry Fitzgerald WR ARZ And Gerald Fits Larry
40 Percy Harvin WR SEA Questionable for the late game is his upside
41 Jeremy Maclin WR PHI Hoping ACL holds up through camp this year
42 Joique Bell RB DET 911 is a Joique in this town
43 Bishop Sankey RB TEN Tremendous diagonal runner
44 Toby Gerhart RB JAC Deceptive speed
45 Josh Gordon WR CLE Nothing says IDGAF like getting a DUI while appealing third drug suspension
46 Shane Vereen RB NE More likely to win a Nobel Prize than play 16 games
47 Cordarrelle Patterson WR MIN Who cares if he can't run a route to save his life? He passes the eye test!
48 Alfred Morris RB WAS See White, Roddy
49 Chris Johnson RB NYJ Lost a whole stoop
50 Michael Crabtree WR SF Better than Darrius Heyward-Bey at least
51 Pierre Thomas RB NO Never trust a man with two first names especially when one is French
52 Rashad Jennings RB NYG Nothing says desperation like anointing a 29-YO career backup as your starter
53 Ben Tate RB CLE Couldn't stay healthy as a backup, so why not give him a full-time job?
54 Reggie Bush RB DET Made more money at USC than in the NFL
55 Ray Rice RB BAL Offseason was a drag
56 DeSean Jackson WR WAS If he were really a gangster, would Riley Cooper still be alive?
57 Torrey Smith WR BAL Fears Steve Smith
58 Marques Colston WR NO Fills important "old slow guy" role for Saints
59 Wes Welker WR DEN Poor man's Wes Welker
60 Trent Richardson RB IND Finds creative ways to get tackled near line of scrimmage
61 Mike Wallace WR MIA Barely more productive than deceased former 60-minutes correspondent
62 Ryan Mathews RB SD Stayed healthy in 2013, must give soul back to Satan in September
63 Kendall Wright WR TEN Great at catching eight-yard passes
64 Eric Decker WR NYJ Not yet recovered from shock of QB downgrade
65 Rueben Randle WR NYG Miffed Eli still blames him for that pick-six
66 Jordan Cameron TE CLE Worried he'll get tackled by Cameron Jordan and cease to exist
67 Terrance Williams WR DAL Only runs one route
68 Lamar Miller RB MIA Happy the Dolphins brought in Moreno rather than someone good
69 Maurice Jones-Drew RB OAK Not delusional enough to draft himself this year
70 Nick Foles QB PHI Without Chip Kelly, would be Chad Henne
71 Andrew Luck QB IND Loves handing the ball to Trent Richardson
72 T.Y. Hilton WR IND Cousin Paris is a family embarrassment
73 Mike Evans WR TB Disappointed Josh McCown doesn't party like Manziel
74 Robert Griffin QB WAS Hopes Mike Shanahan rots in hell
75 Greg Olsen TE CAR Expects to get 200 targets
76 Jason Witten TE DAL PPR leagues are the only thing keeping him alive right now
77 Riley Cooper WR PHI Vastly preferred Foles to Vick for some inexplicable reason
78 Dwayne Bowe WR KC One of the more irrevelant top targets in NFL history
79 Sammy Watkins WR BUF Can't possibly be happy about his landing spot for any reason
80 Terrance West RB CLE Not a north-south runner
81 Golden Tate WR DET Could lose his job to Platinum Tate
82 Brandin Cooks WR NO Great name for a chef
83 Kenny Stills WR NO Great name for a photographer
84 Darren Sproles RB PHI Too short to ride the rollercoaster
85 Cecil Shorts WR JAC Active in the stock market
86 Tom Brady QB NE Offense lacked execution without Aaron Hernandez
87 Vernon Davis TE SF Why throw to the 260-pound guy who runs a 4.4.?
88 Danny Woodhead RB SD Deceptive speed
89 Dennis Pitta TE BAL He's for the ethical treatment of animals
90 Frank Gore RB SF Both his names are English words, and together they describe a horror movie
91 Matt Ryan QB ATL Vanilla Ice
92 Tony Romo QB DAL Defense ensures Cowboys won't contend, so Romo can't choke
93 Matthew Stafford QB DET Mindless chucker, blessed with most physically gifted WR of all time
94 Zach Ertz TE PHI Deceptive speed
95 Jordan Reed TE WAS Going down Austin Collie career path
96 DeAndre Hopkins WR HOU Disappointed Andre Johnson caved
97 Jordan Matthews WR PHI Can do everything but catch
98 Aaron Dobson WR NE Huge sleeper assuming he ever walks again
99 Cam Newton QB CAR Will score all of Carolina's offensive TDs this year
100 Carlos Hyde RB SF Dr. Jekyll during the offseason
101 Kelvin Benjamin WR CAR Slightly less agile than Frankenstein
102 Colin Kaepernick QB SF Got an awful lot of money for a meager 416 pass attempts
103 Steven Jackson RB ATL More mileage than the Space Shuttle
104 Julian Edelman WR NE Deceptive speed
105 Marqise Lee WR JAC There's no "I" in team, and there's no "u" in Marqise
106 Charles Clay TE MIA The tight end you settle for when you punt the position
107 Andre Williams RB NYG Can't block or receive, but otherwise great fit for West Coast offense
108 Greg Jennings WR MIN Counsels Eric Decker on life after competent QB
109 Kenny Britt WR STL Shouldn't he be in jail?
110 Tavon Austin WR STL STL didn't realize he was 4-foot-6 when they drafted him No. 8 overall
111 Hakeem Nicks WR IND Best shape of his life isn't good enough for Pep Hamilton
112 Justin Hunter WR TEN No amount of athletic ability can make Jake Locker throw better
113 Stevan Ridley RB NE Will score at least five TDs on your bench this year
114 Brian Hartline WR MIA Not especially likely to cross the goal line
115 Russell Wilson QB SEA Runs around so much because he can't see over the line
116 Danny Amendola WR NE Not even the best white receiver on his own team
117 Kyle Rudolph TE MIN Case for his breakout amounts to: "Norv Turner is magic"
118 Devonta Freeman RB ATL Thinks Steven Jackson is a coach
119 Ahmad Bradshaw RB IND Can no longer feel his foot injuries after neck injury
120 Fred Jackson RB BUF Fought in the War of 1812
121 DeAngelo Williams RB CAR As if this is the year a Carolina RB will serve any purpose whatsoever
122 Emmanuel Sanders WR DEN Barry Sanders nephew
123 Charles Sims RB TB Billy Sims grandson
124 Christine Michael RB SEA Having girl's name no doubt toughened him up for NFL
125 Darren McFadden RB OAK Has better chance of flying manned mission to the sun than playing 16 games
126 Jonathan Stewart RB CAR Career totally wasted in Carolina
127 Anquan Boldin WR SF Same age and speed as Jeff Erickson
128 Bernard Pierce RB BAL Could not have failed to seize the opportunity more emphatically last year
129 Philip Rivers QB SD Not concerned about overpopulation
130 Ladarius Green TE SD Trendy sleeper pick that will cede targets to Gates' carcass
131 Knowshon Moreno RB MIA Last year's success was at least 4% due to his skills
132 Jermaine Kearse WR SEA Javon's nephew
133 Knile Davis RB KC Cuts like a Knile
134 Mark Ingram RB NO Hard to believe he was ever drafted in the first round
135 Reggie Wayne WR IND Sure to siphon targets from younger, more deserving players
136 Stepfan Taylor RB ARZ Not a fan by birth
137 James Starks RB GB If Eddie Lacy ever goes down Starks will be great for the game he's healthy
138 Jarrett Boykin WR GB So slow, defenses forget about him
139 Ronnie Hillman RB DEN The backup no one seriously believes could actually have the job
140 Jay Cutler QB CHI Comfortable with being an ***hole
141 Khiry Robinson RB NO Only Khiry on planet earth
142 Roy Helu RB WAS Likely to say goodbye due to injury before long
143 Jeremy Hill RB CIN One-dimensional bruiser overdrafted in Round 2
144 Rod Streater WR OAK Second best adult film name to "Harry Douglas"
145 Andre Holmes WR OAK Santonio's grandson
146 Martellus Bennett TE CHI Engineered suspension to get time off during preseason
147 Davante Adams WR GB Usain Bolt compared to Boykin
148 Tyler Eifert TE CIN Probably wind up being a blocker like fellow 1st-rounder Gresham
149 Donald Brown RB SD Colts thought so little of Brown, they traded a 1st-Rd pick for Trent Richardson
150 Robert Turbin RB SEA Should be allowed to wear a turban instead of a helmet