Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.
(Even though it's the "Snarky150", I went to 166 because I had already written the comments before finalizing the rankings.)
Warning: many, if not most, are stupid.
| Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
| 1 | Le'Veon Bell | RB | PIT | Smoked out DeAngelo Williams during OTAs |
| 2 | Adrian Peterson | RB | MIN | Ranked lower on babysitting cheat sheet |
| 3 | Dez Bryant | WR | DAL | Greatest catch of his life ruled incomplete |
| 4 | Odell Beckham | WR | NYG | Bend it (your hamstring the wrong way) like Beckham |
| 5 | Eddie Lacy | RB | GB | Shed 140 pounds since rookie training camp photo |
| 6 | Antonio Brown | WR | PIT | Failed to eclipse 145 yards in any game last year |
| 7 | Jamaal Charles | RB | KC | Chiefs only good receiver |
| 8 | Julio Jones | WR | ATL | Sharing targets with Roddy White's carcass |
| 9 | Demaryius Thomas | WR | DEN | Hopefully he shows up Weeks 1-3 this year |
| 10 | Calvin Johnson | WR | DET | Should change his name to "Silver Tate" |
| 11 | Rob Gronkowski | TE | NE | Half frat boy, half gorilla |
| 12 | Marshawn Lynch | RB | SEA | DGAF |
| 13 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Still stuck with Andy Dalton |
| 14 | Jeremy Hill | RB | CIN | Poor man's Rudi Johnson |
| 15 | DeMarco Murray | RB | PHI | 392 carries for league's most injury-prone back. What could go wrong? |
| 16 | C.J. Anderson | RB | DEN | Undrafted free agent posing as early-round pick |
| 17 | Alshon Jeffery | WR | CHI | As focused as his quarterback |
| 18 | Randall Cobb | WR | GB | Would lose a fight to Randall "Tex" Cobb |
| 19 | Mike Evans | WR | TB | Not related to Brad Evans |
| 20 | Jordan Matthews | WR | PHI | Bandwagon denser than a black hole |
| 21 | Andrew Luck | QB | IND | Neck-beard fauna deters defenders from getting close |
| 22 | DeAndre Hopkins | WR | HOU | Produced with Fitzpatrick but draws the line at Hoyer/Mallett |
| 23 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | Poor man's AROD |
| 24 | Emmanuel Sanders | WR | DEN | A nutless monkey could post those numbers as Peyton's No. 2 |
| 25 | Matt Forte | RB | CHI | Running the ball was not his forte in 2014 |
| 26 | T.Y. Hilton | WR | IND | T.Y. Motel 6 |
| 27 | Brandin Cooks | WR | NO | Name is a complete sentence |
| 28 | Alfred Morris | RB | WAS | Apparently can catch an occasional pass |
| 29 | Melvin Gordon | RB | SD | Poor man's Ryan Mathews |
| 30 | LeSean McCoy | RB | BUF | Sent packing by racist coach |
| 31 | Justin Forsett | RB | BAL | Journeyman with a job |
| 32 | Lamar Miller | RB | MIA | Got 5.1 YPC, and the Dolphins still don't trust him |
| 33 | Golden Tate | WR | DET | Fears Platinum Tate will one day take his job |
| 34 | Sammy Watkins | WR | BUF | Talent wasted in Buffalo |
| 35 | Jimmy Graham | TE | SEA | System tight end |
| 36 | Travis Kelce | TE | KC | Deceptive speed |
| 37 | Frank Gore | RB | IND | Older than Methuselah |
| 38 | Latavius Murray | RB | OAK | Couldn't beat out MJD and McFadden last year |
| 39 | Keenan Allen | WR | SD | After fluke rookie year, showed why he slipped to third round |
| 40 | Andre Ellington | RB | ARZ | Change-of-pace back forced into ill-fitting starting job |
| 41 | Mark Ingram | RB | NO | Productive on the rare occasion he's healthy |
| 42 | Joseph Randle | RB | DAL | Could steal you a title… if he's in a bookstore |
| 43 | Todd Gurley | RB | STL | |
| 44 | T.J. Yeldon | RB | JAC | Poor man's Denard Robinson |
| 45 | Martavis Bryant | WR | PIT | Apparently 11.2 yards per target not enough to displace Wheaton |
| 46 | Jeremy Maclin | WR | KC | O/U on TDs is zero |
| 47 | Brandon Marshall | WR | NYJ | So desperate to ditch Cutler, he signed with the Jets |
| 48 | Victor Cruz | WR | NYG | Vows not to cry next time he gets hurt |
| 49 | Jonathan Stewart | RB | CAR | Poised for rare Year-8 breakout |
| 50 | DeSean Jackson | WR | WAS | Gang kingpin |
| 51 | Allen Robinson | WR | JAC | Poor man's Justin Blackmon |
| 52 | Carlos Hyde | RB | SF | Plays like Dr. Jeckyll |
| 53 | Greg Olsen | TE | CAR | Deceptive speed |
| 54 | Martellus Bennett | TE | CHI | Wasted half his career behind Jason Witten |
| 55 | Amari Cooper | WR | OAK | Drafted by organization where careers go to die |
| 56 | Andre Johnson | WR | IND | Even Luck can't stem precipitous decline |
| 57 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | Skills eroded so severely, Saints converting to run-first-offense |
| 58 | Davante Adams | WR | GB | Pretending to be upset about Nelson's injury. |
| 59 | Julian Edelman | WR | NE | Doesn't remember the Super Bowl |
| 60 | Russell Wilson | QB | SEA | Not having sex for "religious reasons" |
| 61 | C.J. Spiller | RB | NO | Going down the Darren McFadden career path |
| 62 | Peyton Manning | QB | DEN | Papa Johns now synonymous with indigestion and postseason failure |
| 63 | Ameer Abdullah | RB | DET | Thinks team's starting RB is a Joique |
| 64 | Jarvis Landry | WR | MIA | Poor man's Kendall Wright |
| 65 | Matt Ryan | QB | ATL | Vanilla Ice |
| 66 | Ben Roethlisberger | QB | PIT | Descended from the same gorilla as Gronkowski |
| 67 | Rashad Jennings | RB | NYG | Only back more injury prone than Shane Vereen |
| 68 | Joique Bell | RB | DET | Apparently Ameer Abdullah is no Joique |
| 69 | Doug Martin | RB | TB | Rookie season seems like another lifetime |
| 70 | Michael Floyd | WR | ARZ | Poor man's Jason Pierre-Paul |
| 71 | Arian Foster | RB | HOU | Considerate enough to get hurt before people drafted |
| 72 | LeGarrette Blount | RB | NE | The good guy on a franchise with Tom Brady and Aaron Hernandez |
| 73 | Chris Ivory | RB | NYJ | In parallel universe, he's a white guy named Chris Ebony |
| 74 | Tevin Coleman | RB | ATL | This year's Devonta Freeman |
| 75 | Roddy White | WR | ATL | Needlessly siphoning targets from Julio Jones |
| 76 | Mike Wallace | WR | MIN | Fast does not equal good |
| 77 | Ryan Mathews | RB | PHI | Only player less durable is DeMarco Murray coming off a 392-carry season |
| 78 | Marques Colston | WR | NO | Kept around for old times' sake |
| 79 | Charles Johnson | WR | MIN | Tough transition from major-league catcher to NFL wideout |
| 80 | Vincent Jackson | WR | TB | Destitute dog's Mike Evans |
| 81 | Brandon LaFell | WR | NE | How the not mighty have LaFallen |
| 82 | Anquan Boldin | WR | SF | Hines Ward is Robert Smith compared to Boldin. (The Cure's Robert Smith.) |
| 83 | Giovani Bernard | RB | CIN | One-time rising star now one-dimensional third-down back |
| 84 | Nelson Agholor | WR | PHI | Worried racist Chip Kelly will cut him next |
| 85 | Alfred Blue | RB | HOU | Alfred Happy now that Foster is hurt |
| 86 | Torrey Smith | WR | SF | Anquan Boldin's lackey |
| 87 | Eli Manning | QB | NYG | Mocks Peyton for sucking in the postseason |
| 88 | Tony Romo | QB | DAL | Worst holder in NFL history |
| 89 | John Brown | WR | ARZ | Shot by Bob Marley |
| 90 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Willing to do whatever it takes |
| 91 | Devin Funchess | WR | CAR | Part of Carolina's all tight-end WR corps |
| 92 | Brian Quick | WR | STL | Ironically named |
| 93 | Devonta Freeman | RB | ATL | Small and slow |
| 94 | DeVante Parker | WR | MIA | Couldn't even make it to training camp healthy |
| 95 | Breshad Perriman | WR | BAL | Too scared to take Steve Smith's targets |
| 96 | Tre Mason | RB | STL | Rams really appreciated his work last year judging by their draft |
| 97 | Bishop Sankey | RB | TEN | Tremendous northwest-southeast (diagonal) runner |
| 98 | David Johnson | RB | ARZ | So untrusted, team brought in Chris Johnson's carcass |
| 99 | David Cobb | RB | TEN | Rook vs. Bishop for the starting job |
| 100 | Eric Decker | WR | NYJ | Deceptive speed |
| 101 | Knile Davis | RB | KC | Building career as insurance policy |
| 102 | Zach Ertz | TE | PHI | This year's Zach Ertz |
| 103 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Only Cutler has worse body language when things go south |
| 104 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARZ | And Gerald fits Larry |
| 105 | Dwayne Bowe | WR | CLE | Jerry Rice compared to CLE WR. But Alex Smith is Joe Montana compared to their QBs |
| 106 | Terrance Williams | WR | DAL | One-dimensional deep threat |
| 107 | Pierre Garcon | WR | WAS | Another showing like last year, he'll soon be waiting tables |
| 108 | Vernon Davis | TE | SF | Epic no-show in 2014 |
| 109 | Jordan Cameron | TE | MIA | Deceptive speed |
| 110 | Owen Daniels | TE | DEN | Deceptive speed |
| 111 | Isaiah Crowell | RB | CLE | "He is the first, he is the last; besides him there is no Cleveland RB" |
| 112 | Jason Witten | TE | DAL | Deceptive speed |
| 113 | Terrance West | RB | CLE | Not a north-south runner |
| 114 | Duke Johnson | RB | CLE | Overhyped rookie in dead-end job |
| 115 | Rueben Randle | WR | NYG | Delis should add chopped liver to sandwich bearing his name |
| 116 | Donte Moncrief | WR | IND | Andre Johnson's corpse senselessly interfering with development |
| 117 | Steve Johnson | WR | SD | Could struggle adjusting to competent QB play |
| 118 | Josh Huff | WR | PHI | Often leaves places angrily |
| 119 | Philip Rivers | QB | SD | Recklessly overpopulating the planet |
| 120 | Cody Latimer | WR | DEN | Decided to learn the playbook this year |
| 121 | Eddie Royal | WR | CHI | When Bears cut him next summer, they'll have a Royal Flush |
| 122 | Kenny Stills | WR | MIA | Poor man's Mike Wallace |
| 123 | Ryan Tannehill | QB | MIA | Should have stayed at wide receiver |
| 124 | Shane Vereen | RB | NYG | Can only be used on 1/3 of the downs, and is injured half the time |
| 125 | Kendall Wright | WR | TEN | Kendall Wrong - at least at 1.20 in 2012 |
| 126 | Montee Ball | RB | DEN | This year's price more accurately reflects his skill level |
| 127 | Philly Brown | WR | CAR | Was hoping to play for the Eagles |
| 128 | Jonas Gray | RB | NE | New alarm clock delivers testicular electric shock. |
| 129 | Jordy Nelson | WR | GB | Just in case |
| 130 | Sam Bradford | QB | PHI | Rams should have taken Suh |
| 131 | Denard Robinson | RB | JAC | Team drafting Yeldon speaks for itself |
| 132 | Andre Williams | RB | NYG | One-dimensional plodder |
| 133 | Delanie Walker | TE | TEN | Too short for the position |
| 134 | Cameron Artis-Payne | RB | CAR | Cross between Ron Artest and Kevin Payne |
| 135 | Darren McFadden | RB | DAL | Do you believe in miracles? |
| 136 | Charles Sims | RB | TB | Poor man's Shane Vereen |
| 137 | Colin Kaepernick | QB | SF | Thrilled his team no longer fields an NFL defense |
| 138 | Markus Wheaton | WR | PIT | Arbitrarily named the starter opposite Antonio Brown |
| 139 | Tyler Eifert | TE | CIN | Poor man's Tim Krumrie |
| 140 | Matthew Stafford | QB | DET | Dollar talent, 10-cent head |
| 141 | Phillip Dorsett | WR | IND | Poor man's Tony Dorsett |
| 142 | Steve Smith | WR | BAL | So obviously washed up, but no one brave enough to give him the message |
| 143 | Jordan Reed | TE | WAS | Likely to join other Redskins tight ends on IR before long |
| 144 | Cecil Shorts | WR | HOU | Does well in a down market |
| 145 | Marvin Jones | WR | CIN | Jonesing for a new foot |
| 146 | Dan Herron | RB | IND | Bust Herron |
| 147 | Percy Harvin | WR | BUF | Buffalo is where recalcitrant receivers go to behave (see Owens, Terrell) |
| 148 | Kenny Britt | WR | STL | Healthy and not in jail |
| 149 | Jay Ajayi | RB | MIA | Last name pronounced: "In-Jai-ured" |
| 150 | Josh Hill | TE | NO | Poor man's Ben Watson |
| 151 | Antonio Gates | TE | SD | Also uses Viagra |
| 152 | Jay Cutler | QB | CHI | Truly DGAF |
| 153 | Justin Hunter | WR | TEN | Poor man's Francis Begbie (NSFW) |
| 154 | Brandon Coleman | WR | NO | Useful for blocking field goals |
| 155 | Javorius Allen | RB | BAL | Random scrub |
| 156 | Stedman Bailey | WR | STL | Oprah's husband |
| 157 | Justin Hardy | WR | ATL | Random scrub |
| 158 | Roy Helu | RB | OAK | You know it's over when a veteran signs with the Raiders |
| 159 | Michael Crabtree | WR | OAK | See Helu, Roy |
| 160 | Jerick McKinnon | RB | MIN | Doesn't beat his toddlers with a stick |
| 161 | Lance Dunbar | RB | DAL | Not taken seriously for the job |
| 162 | James White | RB | NE | Could catch 70 passes or be cut |
| 163 | DeAngelo Williams | RB | PIT | Still high from session with Le'Veon Bell |
| 164 | Reggie Bush | RB | SF | Journeyman situational back peaked in college |
| 165 | Dorial Green-Beckham | WR | TEN | Decades-long development project |
| 166 | Teddy Bridgewater | QB | MIN | He's on your side when times get rough and friends just can't be found |
