Snarky 150: Overall Cheat Sheet with Obnoxious Commentary

Le'Veon Bell attended mandatory minicamp, skipped optional NFL drug testing program.

Updated on August 8, 2016 3:18PM EST

Snarky 150: Overall Cheat Sheet with Obnoxious Commentary

By:

Chris Liss

Updated on August 8, 2016 3:18PM EST

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This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 8, 2016. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, and this year might be a new low.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Antonio Brown	WR	PIT	There's no accounting for taste
2	Odell Beckham	WR	NYG	Spearheading the Giants offense
3	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Would it kill him to catch a TD?
4	David Johnson	RB	ARZ	This year's C.J. Anderson
5	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Ecstatic CIN jettisoned his marginally competent competition for targets
6	Allen Robinson	WR	JAC	Only produces in garbage time, but it comes early in Jacksonville
7	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	HOU	Milquetoast compiler on huge volume; Osweiler could be terrible
8	Todd Gurley	RB	LA	Poor man's Dexter Manley
9	Brandin Cooks	WR	NO	Should have been a chef
10	Mike Evans	WR	TB	6-5, 230 and caught three TDs on 149 targets
11	Dez Bryant	WR	DAL	If you draft, realize Dak Prescott will be throwing his passes by Week 6
12	Brandon Marshall	WR	NYJ	Old and slow
13	Alshon Jeffery	WR	CHI	Great for the 2-3 weeks per year when he's healthy
14	Devonta Freeman	RB	ATL	Considered most fraudulent reigning No. 1 fantasy back in NFL history
15	Rob Gronkowski	TE	NE	Rare Pats TE who doesn't murder people
16	Ezekiel Elliott	RB	DAL	Less than ideal first training camp
17	Le'Veon Bell	RB	PIT	Attended mandatory minicamp, skipped optional NFL drug testing program
18	Lamar Miller	RB	HOU	Going down the C.J. Spiller career path
19	Adrian Peterson	RB	MIN	Doesn't take crap from toddlers
20	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	T.Y. Motel 6
21	Keenan Allen	WR	SD	Makes Alshon Jeffery look like an iron man
22	Amari Cooper	WR	OAK	Derek Carr preferred Michael Crabtree
23	Jordy Nelson	WR	GB	An old man on two bad knees, but with deceptive speed
24	Sammy Watkins	WR	BUF	How'd that foot injury work out for Dez Bryant last year?
25	Jamaal Charles	RB	KC	Going through ACLs like old clothes
26	Demaryius Thomas	WR	DEN	Upgrade to Sanchez offset by inability to catch
27	C.J. Anderson	RB	DEN	Going down the Zac Stacy career path
28	Eddie Lacy	RB	GB	Provides offensive line depth
29	Mark Ingram	RB	NO	A McFaddenesque lock to miss time this year
30	LeSean McCoy	RB	BUF	If he has a bad year, those who don't own him will experience ShadyFraud
31	Doug Martin	RB	TB	Aside from the chronic fumbling and superior option on third down, Martin should be fine
32	Thomas Rawls	RB	SEA	Drafters operating behind The Veil of Ignorance regarding his foot injury
33	Jordan Reed	TE	WAS	Actually gets concussed as often as Calvin Johnson claims to
34	Julian Edelman	WR	NE	Deceptive speed
35	Golden Tate	WR	DET	Bronze Tate last year
36	Randall Cobb	WR	GB	Praying for Jordy Nelson's return to health after frostbite-level exposure last year
37	Jarvis Landry	WR	MIA	Small, slow and ineffective
38	Donte Moncrief	WR	IND	Colts so high on Moncrief last year, took Dorsett in Round 1 and brought in Andre Johnson's cadaver
39	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	Persuading new HC Adam Gase not to waste 166 targets on talentless Jarvis Landry
40	Jeremy Maclin	WR	KC	Longs to catch a pass that travels more than five yards in the air
41	Eric Decker	WR	NYJ	Deceptive speed
42	Doug Baldwin	WR	SEA	NFL's biggest WR fluke since Brandon Lloyd won the receiving title
43	Michael Floyd	WR	ARZ	You never know when his team will ignore him for an eight-game stretch.
44	Larry Fitzgerald	WR	ARZ	His appointment with Melisandra went better than expected last summer; And Gerald Fits Larry
45	John Brown	WR	ARZ	Relieved Bob Marley is dead
46	Kelvin Benjamin	WR	CAR	Wasn't good even before he tore his ACL
47	Tyler Lockett	WR	SEA	What you do with your door when you leave the house
48	Greg Olsen	TE	CAR	Deceptive speed
49	Emmanuel Sanders	WR	DEN	Excited for the upgrade from Peyton Manning's corpse
50	Giovani Bernard	RB	CIN	NFL's version of Giancarlo Stanton
51	Jordan Matthews	WR	PHI	Praying for Carson Wentz era to start
52	Carlos Hyde	RB	SF	Dr. Jeckyll is more durable
53	DeMarco Murray	RB	TEN	Apparently it was the Dallas line and not Murray
54	Latavius Murray	RB	OAK	Low-impact accumulator over 16 games
55	Cam Newton	QB	CAR	Profiles in Sportsmanship
56	Kevin White	WR	CHI	"Needs to work on everything" according to Bears WR coach
57	Corey Coleman	WR	CLE	Not an ideal landing spot
58	Allen Hurns	WR	JAC	Not even the best Allen among the team's WR
59	Charles Sims	RB	TB	Bucs so enamored of him they gave fumbling Doug Martin big money to stick around
60	Duke Johnson	RB	CLE	If he struggles, will be demoted to Viscount
61	Matt Forte	RB	NYJ	Old warhorse on his last legs
62	Ryan Mathews	RB	PHI	Got hurt before camp even started
63	Arian Foster	RB	MIA	If you get six decent games out of him, it's a win
64	Jeremy Hill	RB	CIN	Ideal for running clock late in games
65	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	A zero without Jordy Nelson
66	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Finally seeing action
67	Andrew Luck	QB	IND	Had neither luck nor skill last year
68	Danny Woodhead	RB	SD	Count on a 32-YO midget at your peril; deceptive speed
69	Dion Lewis	RB	NE	Belichick will cut him w/o a second thought if knee isn't 100%
70	Sterling Shepard	WR	NYG	What Jules was trying to be in Pulp Fiction
71	Drew Brees	QB	NO	Mediocre compiler, benefitting from the Coors Field of NFL environments
72	Josh Gordon	WR	CLE	Smoked a J with Roger Goddell, worked out their differences.
73	DeAngelo Williams	RB	PIT	Wisely signed with a team whose starter greatly enjoys marijuana
74	Matt Jones	RB	WAS	Already squandered his chance
75	Michael Crabtree	WR	OAK	Literally the least efficient receiver in the league last year. Richard Sherman was too generous
76	DeSean Jackson	WR	WAS	Good luck guessing when he'll catch a 50-yard TD, probably when you bench him
77	Torrey Smith	WR	SF	Knows his team is a joke
78	Jeremy Langford	RB	CHI	One of four scrubs competiting for a job
79	Marvin Jones	WR	DET	Fills Calvin Johnson's shoes about as well as Tom Dempsey would
80	Stefon Diggs	WR	MIN	Adept with a shovel
81	Kamar Aiken	WR	BAL	Making a living as the "by-default" guy
82	Phillip Dorsett	WR	IND	Poor man's T.Y. Hilton
83	Bilal Powell	RB	NYJ	Poor man's Matt Forte
84	Delanie Walker	TE	TEN	Is only a thing because the wideouts on the team are so terrible
85	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	Deceptive speed
86	Ben Roethlisberger	QB	PIT	One of our "contemporary ancestors"
87	Rashad Jennings	RB	NYG	Poor man's Arian Foster
88	Markus Wheaton	WR	PIT	Gluten-free owners should avoid.
89	Sammie Coates	WR	PIT	Should have been a painter
90	Zach Ertz	TE	PHI	Stash on your bench until Week 16
91	Ameer Abdullah	RB	DET	Hype to performance ratio just north of infinity last year
92	Laquon Treadwell	WR	MIN	Excellent on the treadmill
93	Blake Bortles	QB	JAC	The Joe Montana of garbage time
94	Chris Ivory	RB	JAC	Wishes his backup would change name to "T.J. Ebony"in the interest of harmony
95	Mohamed Sanu	WR	ATL	Transparently useless decoy, as Matt Ryan only throws to Julio Jones
96	Tavon Austin	WR	LA	A third-down back who oddly qualifies at wide receiver
97	Willie Snead	WR	NO	Walk-on from the general public who now starts for the Saints
98	Ladarius Green	TE	PIT	Already injured
99	Coby Fleener	TE	NO	Deceptive speed
100	Gary Barnidge	TE	CLE	Deceptive speed
101	Melvin Gordon	RB	SD	Going down the Trent Richardson career path
102	Javorius Allen	RB	BAL	See Langford, Jeremy
103	Theo Riddick	RB	DET	A short, slow possession WR who oddly qualifies at RB
104	Dwayne Allen	TE	IND	Makes Jordan Reed seem durable
105	Antonio Gates	TE	SD	Chargers will force-feed his prehistoric carcass to break Gonzalez's TD record.
106	Dorial Green-Beckham	WR	TEN	Team trusts him so much it dredged up Andre Johnson's remains
107	Tom Brady	QB	NE	Suspended, but should be in a prison cell
108	Shane Vereen	RB	NYG	Poor man's Theo Riddick
109	Jameis Winston	QB	TB	Going down the Ben Roethlisberger career path
110	Devin Funchess	WR	CAR	Enjoys chess
111	Vincent Jackson	QB	TB	Too big to age well. Better suited as TE at this point.
112	Tyler Eifert	TE	CIN	Going down the Kyle Rudolph career path
113	Rishard Matthews	WR	TEN	Halfway between Richard and Rashad
114	Justin Forsett	RB	BAL	Journeyman reaching the end of his travels
115	Zach Miller	TE	CHI	Deceptive speed
116	Frank Gore	RB	IND	As effective as Grandpa in the Texas Chainshaw Massacre at this point
117	Kirk Cousins	QB	WAS	RG3 does not like that
118	Carson Palmer	QB	ARZ	Makes Tony Romo seem durable
119	Jonathan Stewart	RB	CAR	Doesn't score TDs or catch passes; otherwise he has tons of upside
120	Isaiah Crowell	RB	CLE	A starting RB who gets drafted after many backups
121	Marcus Mariota	QB	TEN	Poor man's Vince Young
122	Eli Manning	QB	NYG	Woud be out of football by now but for Odell Beckham
123	Philip Rivers	QB	SD	On pace for 81 grandchildren
124	Travis Benjamin	WR	SD	Poor man's Ted Ginn
125	Josh Ferguson	RB	IND	Random scrub people will draft because someone has to carry the ball in Indy
126	Michael Thomas	WR	NO	Poor man's Marques Colston
127	Derrick Henry	RB	TEN	Alabama running backs always pan out
128	Tyrod Taylor	QB	BUF	Would donate his foot to Sammy Watkins if necessary given other WR in Buffalo
129	Andy Dalton	QB	CIN	As surprised as you are at the year he had in 2015
130	Devontae Booker	RB	DEN	Should have been a travel agent
131	DeAndre Washington	RB	OAK	One of several DeAndres in the league
132	Jordan Howard	RB	CHI	One of several scrubs competing for a RB job who we are unfortunately obligated to list
133	Jerick McKinnon	RB	MIN	Easily the best baby-sitting back on the Vikings roster
134	Paul Perkins	RB	NYG	Excited to back up the most injury prone player in the NFL
135	Nelson Agholor	WR	PHI	Obligated to list him after Jordan Matthews' injury
136	Pierre Garcon	WR	WAS	Will be waiting tables soon unless performance improves dramatically
137	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Vanilla Ice
138	Tony Romo	QB	DAL	2016's Eddie Lacy
139	C.J. Prosise	RB	SEA	If you draft Thomas Rawls and miss out on his possible backup, your draft was Improsise
140	Jay Ajayi	RB	MIA	No team has ever shown less confidence in an incumbent than the Dolphins did with Ajayi
141	Darren McFadden	RB	DAL	The gold standard for injury-prone players
142	Kenneth Dixon	RB	BAL	One of several scrubs competing for a RB job who we are unfortunately obligated to list
143	T.J. Yeldon	RB	JAC	Has provision in his contract prohibiting end-zone work
144	Spencer Ware	RB	KC	A commodity in the Chiefs backfield
145	Jason Witten	TE	DAL	Deceptive speed
146	Victor Cruz	WR	NYG	Hasn't played since Week 5 of 1987
147	Wendell Smallwood	RB	PHI	Size isn't everything
148	Eric Ebron	TE	DET	Lions refuse to say whether he's hurt; no one understands why
149	Jimmy Graham	TE	NO	Decapitation would be easier to return from than what he has
150	Karlos Williams	RB	BUF	Binge-eater while high, needs to keep healthier foods in the house