NFL Observations: Snarky 150

Kerryon Johnson, damaged during turbulence, clocks in at No. 85, six spots below failed professional wrestler Rob Gronkowski.

Updated on August 4, 2020 8:54AM EST

By:

Chris Liss

Updated on August 4, 2020 8:54AM EST

NFL Observations

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This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 4, 2020. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are tasteless, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Christian McCaffrey	RB	CAR	Only ranked this high due to racism
2	Saquon Barkley	RB	NYG	Better real-life draft pick than Sam Darnold
3	Ezekiel Elliott	RB	DAL	Fortunately no assault allegations this offseason
4	Alvin Kamara	RB	NO	Enjoy Taysom Hill's 10 touchdowns
5	Michael Thomas	WR	NO	Can't guard Mike because it's too easy to complete five-yard passes
6	Clyde Edwards-Helaire	RB	KC	COVID opportunist
7	Nick Chubb	RB	CLE	Starting to get excited about his upside
8	Derrick Henry	RB	TEN	Shaun Alexander career path
9	Dalvin Cook	RB	MIN	Paid like a dishwasher when he's head chef
10	Joe Mixon	RB	CIN	Lacks hold-out leverage on perennial non-contender
11	Miles Sanders	RB	PHI	New York Scott
12	Aaron Jones	RB	GB	Packers' only talented receiver
13	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	ARI	Getting traded for David Johnson is rock bottom
14	Davante Adams	WR	GB	Slow, inefficient crutch for Aaron Rodgers
15	Chris Godwin	WR	TB	Hitler's Law: Once Godwin is picked, draft is over
16	Tyreek Hill	WR	KC	Apparently no police involvement this offseason
17	Kenyan Drake	RB	ARI	Honeymoon phase expiring soon
18	Austin Ekeler	RB	LAC	Could eke out fraction of last year's anomalous breakout
19	Josh Jacobs	RB	LV	Poor man's Jeremy Hill
20	Odell Beckham	WR	CLE	Only four years since he's been healthy
21	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Despises end zone
22	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	System tight end
23	Jonathan Taylor	RB	IND	Marlon Mack's backup
24	Melvin Gordon	RB	DEN	Locked into bad offense
25	James Conner	RB	PIT	Valuable in rare event he's not injured
26	George Kittle	TE	SF	Pro bowl left tackle who catches occasional pass
27	Allen Robinson	WR	CHI	Life sentence of Bortles, Trubisky and Foles
28	Patrick Mahomes	QB	KC	Zero motivation after contract
29	Lamar Jackson	QB	BAL	Should have played wide receiver
30	Kenny Golladay	WR	DET	Older than you think
31	D.J. Moore	WR	CAR	Had hoped for more than Teddy Bridgewater
32	Amari Cooper	WR	DAL	CeeDee Lamb already better
33	DJ Chark	WR	JAX	Talent wasted in Jacksonville
34	Adam Thielen	WR	MIN	Has hamstrings of a 90-year old
35	Mike Evans	WR	TB	Irrelevant with grandpa under center
36	Terry McLaurin	WR	WAS	Unfairly saddled with Haskins at every level
37	JuJu Smith-Schuster	WR	PIT	Found true level without Roethlisberger and Brown
38	A.J. Brown	WR	TEN	Useful on rare occasion Titans throw a forward pass
39	Calvin Ridley	WR	ATL	Perennial second fiddle
40	Mark Andrews	TE	BAL	Someone has to catch Lamar Jackson's passes
41	Todd Gurley	RB	ATL	Has knees of a 90-year old
42	Courtland Sutton	WR	DEN	QB a lock to drag down stats
43	DK Metcalf	WR	SEA	Lateral quickness of a defensive tackle
44	Cooper Kupp	WR	LAR	Even slower than Robert Woods
45	Le'Veon Bell	RB	NYJ	Franchised by the Steelers > overpaid by the Jets
46	Devin Singletary	RB	BUF	Team trusts him so much it drafted Moss
47	Leonard Fournette	RB	JAX	Poor man's Trent Richardson
48	Zach Ertz	TE	PHI	Jack Doyle with more targets
49	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	Put together his first good half-season
50	Marquise Brown	WR	BAL	More brittle DeSean Jackson
51	Michael Gallup	WR	DAL	League leader in drops
52	Keenan Allen	WR	LAC	Target hog without targets
53	Tyler Boyd	WR	CIN	Washed-up carcass of A.J. Green has higher ADP
54	Tyler Lockett	WR	SEA	Second fiddle to Metcalf
55	David Montgomery	RB	CHI	Elite hype to performance ratio
56	Chris Carson	RB	SEA	Poor man's Marion The Barbarian
57	Mark Ingram	RB	BAL	Average man could get 5.0 YPC next to Lamar Jackson
58	D'Andre Swift	RB	DET	ADP would be 10 spots lower if last name were "Slug"
59	Ronald Jones	RB	TB	Will be excoriated by TB12, benched forever after missing blitz pickup
60	Robert Woods	WR	LAR	Incapable of scoring touchdowns
61	Cam Akers	RB	LAR	Cam Square Feet if stuck in committee
62	Darren Waller	TE	LV	Plays for the Raiders
63	Dak Prescott	QB	DAL	Not valued by Cowboys
64	Kyler Murray	QB	ARI	Should have stuck with baseball
65	J.K. Dobbins	RB	BAL	Poor man's J.K. Rowling
66	David Johnson	RB	HOU	Worst fantasy ROI in NFL history
67	Raheem Mostert	RB	SF	Journeyman special teamer who doesn't catch passes. Leastert
68	Kareem Hunt	RB	CLE	Brief stint at kicker cost him SB ring
69	Derrius Guice	RB	WAS	Not especially durable
70	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Never throws forward pass until fourth quarter
71	Deshaun Watson	QB	HOU	Andrew Luck career path
72	Jordan Howard	RB	MIA	Enjoying journeyman phase
73	Darrell Henderson	RB	LAR	Nothing Rams have done suggests they value him
74	Stefon Diggs	WR	BUF	So unhappy in Minnesota, he joined league's worst passing team
75	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	T.Y. Motel Six
76	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Odds he stays healthy are low
77	Darius Slayton	WR	NYG	Bizarre both NFL players whose last names start with "Slay" are named "Darius"
78	Mike Williams	WR	LAC	Only runs "jump ball" route
79	Rob Gronkowski	TE	TB	Failed professional wrestler
80	Jarvis Landry	WR	CLE	Mysterious power to command targets far exceeds football talent
81	Matt Breida	RB	MIA	Average man could get five YPC in 49ers system. Good luck in Miami!
82	Phillip Lindsay	RB	DEN	Not taken seriously as workhorse
83	CeeDee Lamb	WR	DAL	Could be slaughtered by opposing defenses
84	Duke Johnson	RB	HOU	Doomed to situational role even if last man on earth
85	Kerryon Johnson	RB	DET	Damaged during turbulence
86	John Brown	WR	BUF	Competing with Diggs for share of off-target passes
87	Jerry Jeudy	WR	DEN	Rookie WR with no offseason, trying to get in sync with Drew Lock
88	Jalen Reagor	WR	PHI	Next Nelson Agholor
89	Anthony Miller	WR	CHI	Dislocated shoulder more times than Martin Riggs
90	Jamison Crowder	WR	NYJ	Slow, small, slot man paired with Darnold and Gase
91	Diontae Johnson	WR	PIT	Slow, small and for God knows what reason overhyped
92	Brandin Cooks	WR	HOU	Proving concussions are not partial to helmet logo
93	Tarik Cohen	RB	CHI	Fumbles more than Jameis Winston
94	Carson Wentz	QB	PHI	Poor man's Nick Foles
95	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Vanilla Ice
96	Nyheim Hines	RB	IND	Only member of offense in Rivers' shot-put range
97	Tony Pollard	RB	DAL	Stuck behind player already immune to COVID
98	Julian Edelman	WR	NE	Age is just a number you can't remember when you've been concussed 15 times
99	Hunter Renfrow	WR	LV	Skilled at catching five-yard pass
100	Marvin Jones	WR	DET	Still playing
101	Will Fuller	WR	HOU	NFL's Byron Buxton
102	Brandon Aiyuk	WR	SF	Poor man's Deebo Samuel
103	Hunter Henry	TE	LAC	Poor man's Ladarius Green
104	Jared Cook	TE	NO	Erratic journeyman tight end
105	Evan Engram	TE	NYG	More injury prone than Will Fuller
106	Josh Allen	QB	BUF	Cam Newton with even less touch and accuracy
107	Daniel Jones	QB	NYG	Bakeries create fewer turnovers
108	Joe Burrow	QB	CIN	His name describes best course of action behind current O-line
109	Baker Mayfield	QB	CLE	Poor man's Johnny Manziel
110	Alexander Mattison	RB	MIN	Every day reminds Dalvin Cook he's getting peanuts
111	Latavius Murray	RB	NO	The NFL's only Latavius
112	Boston Scott	RB	PHI	Kilometers Sanders
113	Zack Moss	RB	BUF	Mic Jagger and Keith Richards refuse to draft
114	Christian Kirk	WR	ARI	Not Captain of WR corps this year
115	Sony Michel	RB	NE	Proof the Pats can't figure out how to cheat the draft
116	Justin Jefferson	WR	MIN	Random WR Vikings panic-drafted in Round 1
117	Ke'Shawn Vaughn	RB	TB	Bucs signing LeSean McCoy's decaying remains speaks volumes
118	N'Keal Harry	WR	NE	"Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?"
119	T.J. Hockenson	TE	DET	Going down Evan Engram career path
120	Mike Gesicki	TE	MIA	Aptly named in 2020
121	Hayden Hurst	TE	ATL	Poor man's Austin Hooper
122	Deebo Samuel	WR	SF	Already hurt
123	James White	RB	NE	Marginal pass-catching back without trusted dink-and-dunk QB
124	Tevin Coleman	RB	SF	Backup to career special teamer
125	Antonio Gibson	RB	WAS	Couldn't hack it at wide receiver, demoted to RB
126	Dallas Goedert	TE	PHI	Waiting for Goedert to get a starting job
127	Jonnu Smith	TE	TEN	Poor man's Delanie Walker
128	Jerick McKinnon	RB	SF	Anyone with a functional knee can get 5.0 YPC for the Niners
129	Cam Newton	QB	NE	So much for Jarrett Stidham era
130	Matthew Stafford	QB	DET	Empty stat accumulator on perennial non-contender
131	Preston Williams	WR	MIA	Who needs a functional ACL?
132	Mecole Hardman	WR	KC	If Chubb can't achieve penetration in close, Browns could trade for Hardman
133	Marlon Mack	RB	IND	Team's worst option on downs 1-4
134	Damien Harris	RB	NE	Patriots trust him less than Aaron Dobson
135	Devonta Freeman	RB	FA	Someone must need slow, old, concussed back
136	Anthony McFarland	RB	PIT	Only Conner's fragility makes him relevant
137	Tom Brady	QB	TB	As functional as Grandpa from Texas Chainsaw Massacre these days
138	AJ Dillon	RB	GB	Third-stringer who can't catch
139	Robby Anderson	WR	CAR	Great landing spot for one-dimensional speedster
140	Golden Tate	WR	NYG	Bronze Tate at best
141	Sammy Watkins	WR	KC	A+ philosopher, low-end wideout
142	Breshad Perriman	WR	NYJ	Less than ideal spot to build on micro breakout
143	Sterling Shepard	WR	NYG	Needs to better tend his flock of brain cells
144	James Washington	WR	PIT	Not buying Diontae Johnson hype
145	DeSean Jackson	WR	PHI	You should see his "Snarky 150"
146	Parris Campbell	WR	IND	If only he had football skills
147	Henry Ruggs	WR	LV	Poor man's Darrius Heyward-Bey
148	Allen Lazard	WR	GB	Lazard person
149	Ryan Tannehill	QB	TEN	Nothing about 2020 more off-putting than thinking Tannehill might be good
150	Drew Brees	QB	NO	Needs to update his empty platitudes